aefenglom | 001

Entry tags:

001 | Video

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

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Ha, you think so?

[He looks flattered by the compliment and the touch, though that does eventually fade, especially as Justine begins sharing, just a little bit. Rich's eyes widen, his own smile fading into gentle concern, so careful and fragile... so unlike his physique.]

I... I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what that was like.

[Except he can, he can so very vividly, and it makes his heart ache with worry to know she went through something similar.]

Monsters... things that aren't human usually want to bring humans down to their level. Or up to theirs, depending how they look at it.

Even if it was to protect you, it doesn't excuse what they did. They took away who you are, and that's never okay.

[His voice raises, and he struggles to force it back down to a calm volume.]

[She leans back against the wooden frame of the bench and shakes her head.] It's rarely that simple Rich. We all do what we think is best for those we care about. He had sheltered me. I believe... I believed... that he loved me.

I don't think so now. I'm... not sure.

I was addicted to the feeling. I still am. I don't know if I would say no if he'd appear here. [She doesn't have that strength.] Because he wasn't just a monster. He wanted to keep me safe. When I arrived here, the magic wore off and I remembered... everything.

Sometimes, I wish I could forget again. I was happier. I don't know if I ever stop being me.

I mean, sure, he had motivations. Doesn't mean it's not abuse...

[He trails off. He, logically, understands the motivations for why his father did what he did. He could tell Justine that too and maybe help her put things in perspective. But even thinking about him again puts a clamp around Rich's heart that leaves Rich unable to speak. He's just not ready yet.]

No matter the good times, you deserve more than the horrible things that happened. That's... why it's better to leave them behind.

[She reaches for him and gently pulls Rich into her lap so he can rest against her and borrow what little strength she can offer him.] I know it is but I also know that he didn't chose it. The monster that hurts me... that isn't his choice. It's different than a lot of people because it is a separate part of him. A true monster.

[Thomas is human but there is a demon inside of him. An alternate person who is violent and cruel. That... Justine can understand because she feels as if there is someone else inside of her who she isn't always able to control. It's a helpless pained feeling. It sounds like an excuse for those who haven't seen the monster and for that reason, Justine won't defend him, not to Rich who is already hurting so much.]

But- [She gently runs her fingers through Rich's hair.] I won't say it's good. You are right. But that makes it harder... sometimes.

I don't know. If I was stronger... maybe I could leave them but I am not strong Rich. I try but it's not enough. I don't know if I could ever be that strong, even if I pretend to be.

[Harry had told her that she is strong but now he's gone and her hope for that future strength has been lost with him.]

[Rich gasps as he's suddenly tugged into Justine's lap, flushing a bit with nerves, but leaning against her just slightly. She can probably feel him shaking, even if it's not clear why exactly.]

I... know where you're coming from, but I don't like giving people outs. You could say lots of things are monsters you can't control. Grief. Alcohol. Drugs. Maybe just the cycle of abuse coming back around.

[He chokes on his words, fear briefly making him freeze over as he considers himself, five years from now, maybe making the circle loop back around in its ugly ouroboros.]

You deserve someone who makes you realize you're strong enough. Okay? I know you think you're not enough, but you are.

[She runs her fingers through his hair, gently scraping her nails across his scalp in the process.]

I know but what about your dragon side. How would you classify it? Something that wasn't a part of you but suddenly thrust onto you? [She doesn't know if it will bother him to ask but she's curious. Justine wants to know what Rich thinks, not to dismiss him but to learn from him. Thomas hadn't had a choice but if he had... would he chose the demon or the man...

Some people don't want to escape.]

Thank you. I wish... I hope you're right.

[She doesn't believe but it's sweet of Rich to say so.]

I... I don't know. I'd classify it as part of me, but something that doesn't change who I really am. I don't plan on attacking anyone. If I have those bad traits, I'll work on controlling them. I... don't care what I am. It's just not ever an excuse for hurting other people.

[Maybe he's being idealistic. He probably is. But he's also stubborn, and he thinks he has a choice to give into those urges or not. Anyone else should have the same choice, and that includes whoever did this to Justine.]

You're right. It isn't an excuse.

[She continues to run her fingers through his hair, hoping to offer him some sort of comfort. He's been through so much. She doesn't want to make it worse.]

I hope I can help you with that Rich.

You have a good soul. [Justine smiles wistfully.] And a lot of hope. [She wants to protect that hope and keep it safe from a world that wishes to destroy people like him.] You can come to me and talk about anything. I hope you know that.

[Her fingers brush against his scales and her smile becomes a little more earnest.] You are very handsome Rich. I know your scales hurt when they come in but they're lovely too.

[He has been through a lot. More than he's admitted to, really. It's not like he's afraid of people knowing the truth... it's just hard, getting pity and sympathy. He doesn't want to be a charity case. It's... hard, when he knows he's too messed up for people to treat him like a normal person.

At least Justine doesn't let her sympathy get in the way.]

You already help a lot.

[He finds heat rushing up into his cheeks at her comment, and he stammers a bit, indignant, before something seems to change, and he sighs softly.]

...Thanks for saying that. I don't... usually think of myself as handsome. Not with the scars. I mean, I guess the scales are covering them up...

[Justine knows what it's like to feel broken beyond repair; to have people look at her and call her crazy. She hates it. She hates how others pushed on her when she already felt like she was drowning. She could see it in their eyes, in the set of their lips... everyone is the same.]

That's good. I like helping.

[The pad of her finger lightly traces the pattern of the scales.]

I saw some of the scars. Where were they from?

If you don't mind talking about it.

[Justine's happy that he's comfortable laying in her lap like this.]

[He thought he'd be awkward, sitting in her lap, acting like such a child. He also thought he'd be much less comfortable when Justine, or when anyone really, asked that question. Despite that, he flinches momentarily, but lets out a long, slow exhale instead of jumping up and running away like he wants to.]

It's... okay. I kind of mentioned it in that video, but I'm not surprised you missed it.

[He looks down at his hands, instead of anywhere near her, keeping a close eye on his talons.]

...I guess, um. There's two versions that are both true.

One version is that when the SQUIP was trying to make me dose everyone at a Halloween party so it could start up its hivemind, I knew I had to stop it any way I could. When I ran out of options, I tried burning it out of me.

The second version is just... I guess long story short, I wanted to kill myself.

[He curls his fingers in to look over his long nails. He laughs softly, though he isn't sure what's funny. That intense compulsion to run away is taking over again, and he does stand then, turned away from Justine, like he's considering his escape route.]

[A thick invisible band constricts her breathing as Rich relates the events. She'd heard the story in his initial video but she hadn't known the scars were from the fire.

How could she be so stupid?]

Rich... [She reaches for him as he stands but he is quickly out of her reach and she's too weak to follow. Justine silently chastises herself, her own worry and pain knotting uncomfortably in her chest.] I'm sorry.

[Justine rises but moves too fast and wavers, reaching for the bench post to keep her from collapsing to the ground.]

Please don't go-

[If he ran, she'd likely pass out trying to catch him.]

[Rich looks back at her in surprise when he hears the fear in her voice, looking shocked and confused for a moment. He'd forgotten where he was for a moment, forgotten that Justine was there and that she wasn't.]

No... no, it's okay. It's fine. I'm not going to go.

[He turns back to her, though he's not as close as he was before.]

I mean, it's fine. It doesn't bother me. Thought it might... freak you out, is all.

[Her lips press into a light frown.] It doesn't freak me out Rich. There isn't anything about you that freaks me out.

[She smiles weakly and slowly reaches for his hand.]

We are friends, aren't we? You can tell me anything Rich.

I want to be here for you.

[Even if it's hard for her, she wants to try.]

It freaks... a lot of people out, though. When I talk about something like that. I mean, how do you tell a friend that you want to die? Or...

[He squeezes her hand, sighs a bit shakily.]

When I did it... when I burned myself, I thought that was it. I thought that I would die. People would think I was some sort of martyr... or just think I was crazy. Didn't really care.

When I woke up in the hospital, I was... scared. More scared than I was of dying, because this meant that I had to actually work to figure out who I was, and to make up for all the things I used to be when I was SQUIPped.

The only thing I could really think about myself was that... that I was too chicken shit to actually off myself the right way.

[Justine wobbles a bit on her feet and returns to her seat before she falls over. Her hand stays in Rich's and she gives it a light squeeze while looking up at him.]

I have wanted to die so maybe it's just that I understand. It took someone else for me to see the value in my own life again, just as I see the value in yours.

Give me time and I will help you see it too.

You aren't alone Rich and it's okay to be scared.

[Life is a scary place.]

... It's not that I don't see it.

[He doesn't, though. Unless it's value only in the ability he had to sacrifice himself, but he failed at that. Still, he doesn't want to admit it to her, when she's already so weak and afraid.]

I don't know. I know I'm not alone, but it's hard to be scared and not feel weak and pathetic... feel like people deserve better than me.

[Justine's gaze softens and saddens, her eyes dropping to the ground at their feet.]

I know what that feels like. I wish I was stronger, that I could be-... that i could be strong. I'm not. I am weak and I am pretty. That is all there is too it.

I can be used but people... those I care about deserve someone who is better than what I am. More in ways that I am not. [She keeps her hand in his, her thumb stroking gently against the back of his hand as she curls her legs to her chest. Her robe shifts, revealing a long slender leg.]

I wish I could offer you more Rich. I wish I could take your pain away.

I wish I wasn't broken like I am.

But you're not... you're not weak at all. If you were weak, you wouldn't even be talking to me about this, would you? Believe me...

[If she was hiding every true emotion she ever had... like Rich had when he was under the SQUIP's influence, then maybe she would be weak. But that's not at all what's happening. He turns towards her, shifting so he's sitting up closer to her.]

You don't have to be not broken, okay? All I want... Is just for you to be you. I...

[He wants to say so much more, but he's afraid it's not going to help at all.]

Maybe. Maybe not. There are different kinds of strength's Rich. You have strengths that I don't and it seems as if I have strengths that you don't.

[She gently turns over his hand and runs the pad of her finger along his palm.]

I promise to be me. Thank you, for believing in me Rich.

[Justine looks up at him and smiles. She's weak and the smile doesn't quiet reach her gaze but she's trying her best and she feels stronger now. No matter what, Justine truly trusts that Rich will be there.]

I guess... you have a point there.

[He's very used to thinking about strength as something that can only manifest in one certain way, thanks to the SQUIP. He knows he needs to be better with that, though. He knows that what the SQUIP promised him wasn't strong at all, when he had lived his life miserable and afraid.

Rich doesn't know how to say that, or how to explain to Justine that everyone should believe in her. Instead, he just reaches out to wrap his arms around her, to hold her close and offer whatever power he has that exists within him, anything more true and real than what his muscular arms suggest.]

[She smiles back at him.

Her arms warp around his center and she lightly nuzzles her face against the curve of his neck. She picks up the faint scent of embers and the musk that she's found to belong to Rich and no one else. It makes her smile a little deeper, feeling the lightness of him being here lift her spirits in a way that it hasn't in days.]

Why don't you come in for some tea or hot chocolate? We don't have to talk about this anymore.

[She wants him to stay, if only for a little while.]

...Hot chocolate sounds really good.

[It sounds like a good way for him to relax, calm down, and talk about something better. Something that keeps that smile on her face. So he'll follow wherever she leads him, and stay with her as long as he can.]

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001 | Video

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