aefenglom | 001

Entry tags:

001 | Video

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

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[Rich seems to have a tendency to call himself, what he does, or what he believes stupid. Aziraphale is hardly a psychologist, if anything he's the furthest away thing Rich's got to one since he isn't even human. But still, that can't be healthy, can it?]

My boy, we can't outrun the past. Believe me, I've tried. Something I did 6000 years ago came back to bite me in the bum recently. [How did War end up with his flaming sword? We just don't know.]

All you and I can do is learn from it. It'd be quite silly to keep bumping into the same wall, wouldn't it? So we have to try different ways to deal with the problem.

I know that.

[He knows it should be obvious. No one can outrun the past, and he's seen others try and fail. He knows it should be obvious.]

I just keep thinking it... that I dealt with it. I keep saying I'm not running if I confronted and fixed it. But I guess if you can have things from thousands of years ago come back around, I shouldn't be surprised when shit from a couple years ago bugs me, huh?

[He shrugs cautiously, a little unsure with the implications.]

Do you... want me to try something else? You sound like you have an idea. You don't have to, though. I can think of something!

[Aziraphale blinks in surprise. When you're used to following orders for thousands of years, when you belong to Heaven, where people got casted out for asking questions you definitely not get asked you opinion all that often.]

Well.

[He hesitates, not wanting to give him any advice that would get him in trouble, any advice that would make things worse for him. But he does want to help him, so:]

My situation was different, my boy. But I still couldn't really be... free, until I actually faced things and got some closure. So I suppose my 'idea' would be to try to get that kind of closure, because it sounds to me like you never really got it.

[Rich frowns with confusion, fairly oblivious to whatever Aziraphale had gone through. He honestly wishes he was in a better place, where he could do more to help him instead. He doesn't know why the man is so hesitant about this, besides possibly just being uncomfortable with big displays of emotion...]

You never really talked about that. About being free and all that. But... I think I get what you're saying. The past can hold you back if you don't accept it. I mean... I got closure with my dad, when I went to pack my shit, but the SQUIP just kind of... disappeared.

...And now it's just right back again, making me feel as bad as I did before.

If I'm being honest, I just still haven't gotten used to it. To being free, I mean.

[And if Crowley is right, like Aziraphale suspect, he won't be free forever. Heaven and Hell will come back, and it will be even a bigger battle than what they were expecting. But he's decided that he's on the side of humanity, that they are on their own side, and he's absolutely not walking back from that.]

But don't you think that's part of the problem? That he just disappeared and you never got to face what he'd done to you?

It takes a lot of time to get used to it. I keep... expecting someone to tell me what to do, and sometimes it feels weird when it doesn't happen.

[He's glad to be free of it, but he also was a sucker for the security of someone making all the decisions for him. He can guess Aziraphale feels similar, even if he doesn't know details.]

...I guess so. I mean, I don't know how to face it. There weren't a lot of people I could tell back home. Unless I wanted to end up in the hospital for the rest of my life.

Plus it's not like it's ever going to understand it did something wrong.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's not... it's not about him understanding. It's about you getting things out of your chest.

[Who's has a dash of selfishness that he has no reason to hide anymore? This angel. He cares about Rich, not about the SQUIP, so as long as Rich gets his closure he doesn't much care about what it understands or doesn't understand.]

What could you tell it, if you had the chance?

I... guess so. Maybe it would feel better, just to have it out in the open.

[There were a lot of things he hadn't had the guts to say before, while he was stuck under the SQUIP's influence, and maybe that's why he still keeps telling himself he's not strong enough, when he knows that was what got him into this mess.

He stares at the table as he goes over everything in his head, tries to think of what he'd really want to say.]

I would tell it... that I'm better without it, not worse. That it's better for fewer people to like me for who I am, rather than most people to like me for someone I'm never going to be. I'd tell it I'm stronger than it thought I was. That the things it did to try to make me stronger could have broken me if they had half the chance.

I'd tell it humans don't just have switches you can flip on and off, and it's not right to treat them like some set of data rather than something with feelings.

[He thinks a while longer, and then laughs lightly.]

I'd tell it masking how I felt about some of the guys at school wouldn't make me any less bi, I guess.

[Aziraphale swallows as Rich keeps on going. Some of those things he'd already said, or implied, in the post that got the angel's attention to begin with. But that last part makes him raise his eyebrows in surprise.

Aziraphale didn't use to have any sex unless he actually tried, gender has always been a little iffy for angels and the less they talk about their sexuality the better. So if Rich had only mentioned being 'bi', it'd probably have gone over his head. But the rest of what he says is quite enough for Aziraphale to put some missing pieces of this very unpleasant puzzle together.]

It made you- sorry, perhaps I'm misunderstanding. But are you implying he made you pretend not to have feelings for... guys?

[Rich is surprised that he could say anything at this point that would take Aziraphale off guard, after so long bitching about his feelings, but apparently he has. He furrows his brow at first, confused, before he realizes what Aziraphale is getting at and nods, suddenly unsure for a different reason.]

Uh, yeah... More like it blocked any time I even tried to think about it. Like, "Hey, that guy's cute" or whatever, it'd try to change that on me. Make me think I just admired them for being strong like I couldn't. And I mean, if it couldn't get me to stop thinking like that, it'd shock me or something.

[Rich used to think it was kind of funny, how panicked it'd get over the mere concept of Rich being into a dude, but even as he's talking now, he realizes that maybe it wasn't so funny, and maybe it was a little disturbing under the surface.]

Why would it do that?

[It's not that this is the law straw, since they crossed that line a long time ago when it comes to things the SQUIP did to this poor young man. But it feels like the last, horrible piece in this horrible puzzle.]

And more importantly- [He reaches to place a hand on Rich's shoulder.] Do you still do that, to yourself? Do you still stop yourself from feeling those feelings? Because I assure you, Richard, there is nothing more powerful and closer to Her than love.

Hell if I know. Doesn't fit with the tough guy image to be queer in any way, I guess. I mean... high schools are the thirteenth circle of hell already, but they're worse if people think you're gay. I guess I kind of understand why it would...

[Ew, understanding why the SQUIP did anything. Nope. Rich backs out of that thought immediately, easily switching gears onto the other topic at hand, with only a minor flinch at his full name.]

No! No, I don't... I don't stop myself anymore. I came out as soon as I had a chance to. I'm not... going to be afraid of feeling that way.

[He lets out a faint snort.]

Fuck, before I got here, I asked... someone really important to me to prom. He's probably going to think I stood him up now, but it's gotta count for something, right?

Oh!

[That last part makes him clap his hands together in delight. Proms aren't big in England, and it's not like Aziraphale is usually around teenagers anyway to know much about them, but any spectacle to celebrate love has his approval.]

Of course it counts, my dear. And for all we know, time could have stopped right there. But do tell me more about this person!

[Oh god, this is mortifying. Rich immediately feels like there are more eyes on him than just Aziraphale's, and he appropriately turns a few shades of red.

Honestly, he's not even going to touch the idea of time stopping, it's too sci fi and possibly morbid to think about.]

I mean, i-it's not a big deal... his name is Michael, though. He's kind of a nerd, but in a really cool way? Like he's so genuine you aren't even bothered by it.

[Thankfully, once Rich gets started talking about something he's into (i.e. Michael, it's hard to shut him up.]

He's kind of shy, but he's been a really good friend to me, even though I know I shouldn't have even gotten another chance with him, and I mean, he kind of saved my life when the SQUIP was trying to take over last time. And he's super smart, you can always tell when he's thinking hard because he starts chewing on his hoodie strings...

[Oh no. He's rambling.]

[He's absolutely rambling and it's precious, Aziraphale has the dumbest, goofiest grin on his face right now. He really, really wishes he could still feel virtues, that he could still feel Love because it looks like Rich's has a big fat crush and those are actually the most adorable.]

Oh, I wish so badly I could meet him! He sounds- well. He sounds perfect for you my dear.

I don't know if I'd say perfect, I mean, we're just dumb high schoolers...

[But he does really think Michael is special, and he really, desperately wants to see him happy. It's so much better than being a source of mockery for him.]

I'll let you know if he shows up, I guess?

[Oh, did he just agree to let this weird sort-of parental figure meet his potential boyfriend? That's... different. Rich is just going to try not to think about it.]

[Well, honestly, human lives are so short to someone like Aziraphale that he sometimes wishes they would just enjoy the moment a little more. Of course they are just dumb high schoolers but if he makes this dear boy happy then he's perfect, as far as this angel is concerned.

But he's also the angel who thought 6000 years of flirting with his best friend was going 'too fast', so.

You know. Maybe don't listen to him?]

Please do. I promise you I will do my best not to embarrass you!

Well, it's not like you have any of my baby pictures to show off, so I think I'll be able to survive.

[Aziraphale wouldn't have that many embarrassing questions to ask, would he?

...He'll give Michael a pep talk before hand. If Michael does ever end up coming here...]

I don't know if I'd wish for him to show up, though. Seems a little cruel, to hope your buddy gets turned into a monster, unless he gets lucky.

Ah...

[The smile kind of freezes in place.] It would, wouldn't it? It could certainly seem rather selfish to wish for a friend to appear here.

[So he should probably stop wishing for Crowley to show up...]

It's... complicated. Maybe it's a little selfish, but at the same time, I don't think there's anything wrong with being lonely and missing people you care about. Besides, if the feeling's mutual, they probably wouldn't want to leave you alone anyways.

[He can guess that what he's said hit Aziraphale hard, so even if it's hard to give himself the same excuses, he wants to reassure the angel a little bit.]

...Do you have a friend you want to see again?

[Not appear here. He'll offer that out, too.]

[Well, at least he knows it's mutual. He has no doubt about that. Crowley, who saved him in many occasions, who did Hamlet for him, who literally walked up to heaven for him- he wouldn't want him to be alone here.]

I do. [His only true friend, really.] It's hard to explain, but- let's just say we've always been there for one another. Even if we sometimes didn't talk for a long, long time I'd always known he was there.

Huh. Sounds like they're probably a supernatural "something" like you, huh?

[Usually humans can't exactly go a "long, long time." He wonders then if Aziraphale ever was friends with a human, and had to deal with that loss.

He kind of hopes not. It's better he has someone he isn't really at risk of losing.]

Well, wherever they are, I'm sure they're thinking about you. I'm sure I'd like meeting them if they ever showed up.

[He almost snaps 'not like me!' then swallows it down as quickly as he has the thought. He's spent all his life forcing himself to try to think of Crowley as an enemy because he's a demon, because he was told to. No, Crowley isn't like him, Crowley isn't like the other angels: he's better, because he actually cares.]

Something like that, yes. I'l let you know if he ever does- it's certainly been an adjustment, to know that he isn't around.

[He's actually had to use some common sense, there's no demon to kick open a church's door if he gets in trouble.]

You do get used to having someone around, huh? It would be nice if he was around, so you knew someone had your back if you ever got into trouble.

[Granted, Rich would also want to look out for Aziraphale if that's allowed.]

[He nods.] You really really do. And the thing is- well. No offense dear, but you know I'm not- well. Not exactly human, like you are.

He and I were the only ones permanently stationed on Earth. [Celestial beings, anyway. There's the horsepeople, but you can hardly count them.] It's different here, of course. We are all on the same boat, in a way. But back home he was the only one who could understand how it felt.

It would have been rather lonely otherwise.

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