aefenglom | 001

Entry tags:

001 | Video

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

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[He nods.] You really really do. And the thing is- well. No offense dear, but you know I'm not- well. Not exactly human, like you are.

He and I were the only ones permanently stationed on Earth. [Celestial beings, anyway. There's the horsepeople, but you can hardly count them.] It's different here, of course. We are all on the same boat, in a way. But back home he was the only one who could understand how it felt.

It would have been rather lonely otherwise.

Right. I understand that... I mean, it's kind of like with me. Some of my friends knew what happened with the SQUIP, and some don't at all... My friend, Jeremy, and me... we really get along now because he had a SQUIP like I did. We're kind of the only ones who can completely get it.

I'm glad you had him... "Stationed" on Earth, though? What exactly were you doing?

[Aziraphale certainly doesn't look like an alien, but who knows. Disguises are definitely a thing.]

[He had decides a while ago that he wouldn't go around telling people who he is, or what he is even. But that he would also not lie if asked outright. In a world where dragons and faes are common place, where witches coexist with vampires, adding an angel to the mix would probably not even be noticed.]

I... [And yet, he hesitates about saying it outright. Force of habit, he figures.] I was a guardian, actually. Tasked with making sure nobody would harm those I was meant to protect. But then they did something they weren't supposed to, they got tossed out of the garden and I suppose everything snowballed.

[Rich raises an eyebrow at that. He's not always good at sleuthing, but he's been paying extra attention to what Aziraphale has been saying, trying to piece together what he can about the man's life before this one. His family wasn't particularly religious, but the creation story is basically ingrained in any kid his age. But to Aziraphale, maybe it wasn't a story?]

Are you... are you actually talking about the Garden of Eden? Like Adam and Eve, the stuff with the snake, all of that?

[And then if that's what he's talking about... he gapes at Aziraphale, looking at him carefully like he expects some holy light to start radiating off of him at any moment.]

You're an angel, aren't you?

[Well... the cat is out of the bag as they say. He really should have been more careful, but if he's honest with himself he just didn't feel lying. Not anymore, not when it doesn't even seem necessary in this land, not when Heaven isn’t following his every move anymore. He’s lived all his life with extremely strict guidelines that he simply followed because he’d assumed they were for the best but now he’s finally broken those chains… isn’t time to let people he cares about actually get to know him?

All of him?]

I... [Once more, he stops himself, and once more he forces himself to keep going.] I am, actually.

[He reaches to play with his ring, a nervous tick that he’s yet to realize he has.]

A principality, actually, so I’m not- [A little chuckle.] I’m not highly ranked, but I was the guardian of the Eastern door, wielder of the flaming sword.

[If Aziraphale was nervous that people weren't going to accept him, or perhaps even that they would be intimidated by him, that doesn't seem to happen with Rich. He certainly looks surprised... but excited, mainly, and there's a faint look of pride in his expression that Aziraphale trusted him enough to tell him.]

I don't know anything about rankings or anything. My mom was religious, but I didn't really go to church too much. So... anything sounds crazy to me.

[He laughs nervously.]Is this the part where I get shit for not praying enough?

Seriously, though, I'm glad you told me. I thought it was kinda a big deal to keep that secret in all the stories.

It is a big deal. People are supposed to be good because they choose to, because they have the free will to decide and they decide to be good.

[There's no actual rule about keeping it a secret, actually. Gabriel loved flying down and spreading his wings out, yelling "BE NOT AFRAID" while using his full power in his voice to make sure the humans were, indeed, oh so very afraid. Poor Mary took days to recover after his visit to tell him he was pregnant.]

Seeing us, actually realizing we're real with all that implies tends to make that impossible. But this place... well. [He shrugs one shoulder] I am not even the weirdest thing that's currently living in this place. So I thought to myself that if anyone was to figure it out denying it would just put us both in an awkward position.

I hope this doesn't change anything between us, dear boy.

I understand that. Having that like, low key threat that hell is real and we're definitely gonna go there wouldn't really make people actually good, just scared of having a rough time getting tortured for eternity.

[It's at least a little different here. Partly because Rich was trying to be good already, without that possible threat, and well...]

I mean, you do come from a different world, so no one can be sure angels and demons and that exist in their world too. It wouldn't change much, I think. Good people would still want to be good, and bad people would still probably take the risk.

[He raises an eyebrow at Aziraphale's last comment though.]

Why would it change anything? You're still my friend. It doesn't matter who you are. I mean... you know all my baggage now and you aren't running away screaming. I'd be an ass if I turned around and did that.

[Aziraphale frowns- a world where angels and demons do not exist would maybe imply there's a world where God isn't orchestrating everything, where everything isn't part of some great plan... and the thought makes him uncomfortable in a way he doesn't really want to put into words, so he skips over that point.]

Your 'baggage' is hardly your fault, all you've been through was basically tossed at you with you having little to no say in the matter. [He knows, logically that Rich had to say yes to the SQUIP. But he couldn't have known what was coming his way.]

But still, thanks for being so accepting. Humans- well. Not all of them react so nicely to the existence of- well. Me.

[Rich lets him skip over that. He wasn't sure if the idea was going to make Aziraphale uncomfortable, but he'd never been very religious himself, so Aziraphale's existance in this world, combined with his lose understanding of sci-fi, means he isn't too concerned that he needs to convert right away.

He's more uncomfortable with the blame being taken off of him.]

No, I did have a say. I was the one who bought the damn SQUIP. I definitely could have fought back against it sooner. I was an asshole, and I'm not afraid to admit that.

I thought angels were supposed to 'judge' who is and isn't good, not make excuses for the bad ones.

Ah, hardly so dear.

[He shakes his head.] My job was specifically to try to help humans choose the right path. A little miracle here, giving someone a little hope there... making the world a better place. That's why I as stationed on Earth, and why I stayed there for such a long, long time.

I can't cast judgement any more than you can, only She can do that. I still think there wasn't much you could do to fight the SQUIP when it was literally inside of you, but I suppose it's up to you to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Not me.

I mean, you were still guiding people on that path. You know good better than I do.

[Rich sighs and stares down at his hands, folded across the table. The talons at the ends of each finger only seem to confirm what he knew about himself all along.]

I just thought I could be better. No one else seems to have those standards anymore... guess I'm just used to higher ones.

That's what truly makes a difference between good and bad, if you ask me. The fact that you're willing to try to be better, that you regret your mistakes instead of trying to blame someone else for them.

[He tilts his head.] Do you regret what happened?

What kind of question is that? Of course I regret that. I regret... every decision I made in those years. I hate the kind of person I was. Sometimes I think... I think he's unforgivable.

And I mean, I am. How can I come back from making the choice to make people's lives miserable?

[How can Michael and Jeremy still look him in the eye? How can Jake or Christine?]

[He shakes his head.] I mean, I am obviously biased here. My whole existence is based on the idea that people are always, always forgivable.

But if you ask me, the fact that you truly regret it, the fact that you want to do better is enough. You didn't- [He sighs as he shakes his head, unsure on how to put it. He knows he has a very white-and-black vision of humanity and the moral rules, sometimes, that he's tried to shake away since the whole armaggedon't debacle. But it's slow going.]

I've never ant you to talk about it if it made you uncomfortable, Rich. But when you talk about what happened I don't get the feeling that the SQUIP gave you any say in the matter. You made a mistake, but your mistake was simply taking the SQUIP.

You had little to no control over the rest.

I don't know. I... I don't want to doubt you.

[Aziraphale would know better than him whether humans can be forgiven, and where the boundary was. Maybe his regret was enough. Maybe his attempts to do better really were helping. But... he remembers how Linden talked to him, that perhaps it wasn't merely the SQUIP's presence that guided Rich into becoming a bully... and he feels that sting of guilt tighe in his chest again.]

I always wonder how much control I really had. I keep... thinking that maybe it was just who I was, deep down. Maybe I was meant to be that awful and the SQUIP just brought it out of me. And, I don't know... it starts to feel like an excuse. Does that make any sense?

Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to hate myself.

I'm... quite familiar with doing that.

[Though in his case it came from years (and years and years) of the other angels slowly but surely chipping away at his self esteem.]

But Rich, if you really were that awful, or any kind of awful whatsoever, you wouldn't have this kind of regrets. I'm not sure what happened, exactly, but I know that you had to do something drastic to get the SQUIP out of your head. You wouldn't have gone to such lengths if that was who you truly were, inside.

It was manipulating you, Rich, in the most horrifying of ways.

I wish you weren't.

[Honestly, Rich doesn't even know why an angel would have experience hating who it is, considering that it's above humanity in general... but Aziraphale has shown himself to be far more human than what Rich would assume.

He sighs heavily, trying not to tense up at the mention of the "drastic" things he had to do.]

It's... hard to talk about what I had to do. Still causes me... causes a lot of people around me, I guess... a lot of trauma.

[The clues were all there of course, but he's not surprised Aziraphale didn't want to put the pieces together.]

I hate that the choice I made hurt like that. Even if it was kind of the only thing I could do.

[There's a long silence as Aziraphale looks for the right words to say. He's read so many books, has so many words that would fit on the top of his tongue and yet none feel right because they aren't his. He doesn't want to give Rich empty platitudes, he wants to give him his own advice.]

Like you said, it was the only thing you could do, Rich. The alternative was to keep going through all this pain you have just described for us, and that was no option at all.

But you already know that, deep inside, don't you? I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. You're a smart kid, Rich.

[Rich's instinct is to shake his head at that compliment, already flustered, but he has a feeling Aziraphale wouldn't much like to keep arguing that with him. It gets exhausting, dealing with things Rich should have sorted out already.]

I'm... glad you think the best of me. You're probably right. I just didn't want anyone to have to hurt anymore... and it's hard not to doubt the choices I made when it didn't make anyone stop hurting.

I'd be the first one to judge you, at least a little bit, if you didn't regret your choices when they caused people pain. But- well, forgiveness is a biiiig thing, up there.

[He points upwards, to make it clear to Rich what 'up there' actually means.]

So as long as you're regretful and bow to do better, I don't see why you should keep chastising yourself.

Forgiveness doesn't... it doesn't feel like it's something I deserve yet. I feel like I should be trying harder.

[Jeremy still flinched once in a while when Rich teasingly punched his shoulder, Jake was still adjusting to living in an apartment... all his friends are slowly dealing with getting to know him for who he actually is, and how could they really forgive him for lying all this time?]

It's hard to explain. I hear everything you're saying, but... the stupid voice in my head is louder.

[Aziraphale nods. The 'stupid voice in my head'... definitely rings a bell, he's quite familiar with it. His sounds a lot like a certain permanently-smiling Archangel. But even though he's shared quite a bit with Rich, there's some things he's not ready to share yet, so he just nods instead.]

I don't think denying forgiveness when it's given to you is the answer to that, then. That only makes the person forgiving you feel bad- as well as yourself, so nobody wins. I think... perhaps, you could work hard to earn it instead?

[Rich only understands a bit of what Aziraphale has experienced, but at least it's enough to know that he would understand what Rich was trying to express. It makes Aziraphale's advice, too, a bit easier to swallow.]

Yeah. That's... something I'm working on. It's just trying to figure out how hard I'm supposed to work. Sometimes people get worried, I think? When I'm working hard for forgiveness they thought I already deserved.

[Aziraphale nods, because he can understand that feeling. It feels a little bit like the looks Crowley would give him when he talked about Heaven and its rule, the looks he pretended very hard not to notice because to do so would be acknowledging the way he was being treated may not be entirely fair.]

They- We... we worry because we care, Rich. But that doesn't mean you should put up a front for us.

001 | Video

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