aefenglom | 001

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Rich's instinct is to shake his head at that compliment, already flustered, but he has a feeling Aziraphale wouldn't much like to keep arguing that with him. It gets exhausting, dealing with things Rich should have sorted out already.]

I'm... glad you think the best of me. You're probably right. I just didn't want anyone to have to hurt anymore... and it's hard not to doubt the choices I made when it didn't make anyone stop hurting.

I'd be the first one to judge you, at least a little bit, if you didn't regret your choices when they caused people pain. But- well, forgiveness is a biiiig thing, up there.

[He points upwards, to make it clear to Rich what 'up there' actually means.]

So as long as you're regretful and bow to do better, I don't see why you should keep chastising yourself.

Forgiveness doesn't... it doesn't feel like it's something I deserve yet. I feel like I should be trying harder.

[Jeremy still flinched once in a while when Rich teasingly punched his shoulder, Jake was still adjusting to living in an apartment... all his friends are slowly dealing with getting to know him for who he actually is, and how could they really forgive him for lying all this time?]

It's hard to explain. I hear everything you're saying, but... the stupid voice in my head is louder.

[Aziraphale nods. The 'stupid voice in my head'... definitely rings a bell, he's quite familiar with it. His sounds a lot like a certain permanently-smiling Archangel. But even though he's shared quite a bit with Rich, there's some things he's not ready to share yet, so he just nods instead.]

I don't think denying forgiveness when it's given to you is the answer to that, then. That only makes the person forgiving you feel bad- as well as yourself, so nobody wins. I think... perhaps, you could work hard to earn it instead?

[Rich only understands a bit of what Aziraphale has experienced, but at least it's enough to know that he would understand what Rich was trying to express. It makes Aziraphale's advice, too, a bit easier to swallow.]

Yeah. That's... something I'm working on. It's just trying to figure out how hard I'm supposed to work. Sometimes people get worried, I think? When I'm working hard for forgiveness they thought I already deserved.

[Aziraphale nods, because he can understand that feeling. It feels a little bit like the looks Crowley would give him when he talked about Heaven and its rule, the looks he pretended very hard not to notice because to do so would be acknowledging the way he was being treated may not be entirely fair.]

They- We... we worry because we care, Rich. But that doesn't mean you should put up a front for us.

[Rich lets out a snort that doesn't exactly have a lot of humour in it, and offers a wry smirk.]

Putting up a front is the only thing I'm good at, you know. Easier to just say you're fine until you believe it. I mean, even if you don't, everyone around you does, so then they don't have to worry more.

I got a SQUIP so I could put up a front. It's the same thing now, I guess.

[Did he really learn anything?]

I don’t… I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself, Rich.

[He frowns a bit as he thinks about it, not wanting to dismiss Rich’s feelings but also not wanting to let ideas like these spread out and make things worse for him.]

You’ve helped me a lot already, and we haven’t known each other for that long. I’d say you’re good at many more than just putting up a front. I do think it’s better to go into life with a positive attitude, but I can tell you pretending to be happy and okay until you truly are will not work.

Believe me, I spent 6000 years pretending and it still came back to bite me in the bum.

I guess I'm not. I got used to people not thinking much of me, though.

[He looks at Aziraphale for a moment, almost studying him.]

It's... different, what people think of me here. I guess it's taking some getting used to. And that's why I just thought it was easier to pretend, instead of letting people down.

Is that... why you did the same thing?

[He makes a face.]

Not exactly. I… It’s complicated to explain, but I in my case I had to put up a front to be the angel the other angels expected me to be- the angel I thought I had to be to do my job right. I love food Rich, so much, it’s so much fun to eat and enjoy the different flavors- even that got me looked down upon by the other angels so I just… pretended I didn’t, pretended I didn’t love humanity and all they had to offer.

I pretended to be happy being Her good little soldier. Pretended so much I hurt someone I care very, very deeply about in the process.

...I get that. Putting on a front because that's what everyone expects of you, I mean.

[He gives a soft smile.[

I think it's more than okay to love food. To love whatever you want. The people who think it's better to pretend you don't are just going to end up unhappy and miserable. I mean, what are they going to do, pretending to be perfect all the time? What... what meaning is there to a life like that?

[He drops his hands and shrugs.]

I don't know. I'm rambling. I'm just... saying I get hurting people while pretending to be someone you're not.

You're not rambling at all, Rich, you're making a lot of sense.

[And then, he can't help it: he grins at the young man.] So you would do well to apply that same advice to you, don't you think?

[Rich stares at Aziraphale for a moment, before giving a long-suffering sigh.]

I was trying to apply that to you, you know. But you're right. I really should try to take my own advice.

And I am! I am working on a lot of that. It's just trying to let people see... everything about me, instead of just the parts I'm not ashamed of.

I know you did.

[He grins, rather amused. Pleased with himself, even. He has convinced humans of things before… but that was a little miracle here, a well-placed comment there and off they went to do good (or evil, if it was during The Arrangement). But this is different- this time, he actually cares about the person he’s helping, he actually-

What’s that expression? Actually ‘gives a damn’?]

I was just trying to make you see that what you think will work for me, will also work for you. So how about we make that a resolution? To just be ourselves, without changing who we are because we are ashamed of it?

Well, it isn't exactly New Year's... but maybe you've got a point. At least we can both keep ourselves accountable, right?

[He might be able to be confident in who he is, so long as he also has someone else beside him trying to do the same thing. And though Rich certainly knows he's not the only one who had to go through rebuilding themselves, it's kind of nice to have the visible proof. So he offers Aziraphale a careful grin back.]

Thanks again. For just... all of this. I think it helped a lot.

001 | Video

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