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[Video]

Name: Leanne
Date: 01/14
Format: Video

[It was during a quiet moment at the orphanage, she had managed to most of the younger ones to sleep for a nap. With a sigh, the naga goes to sit on her tail with a pensive look, looking a little tired and worn out.]

Say... I know that this is an odd question but... How do you get rid of guilt? I did a horrible crime what feels like yesterday but I know that it has been a couple of months. But, I still blame myself completely for it.

[She goes to let out a tired sigh and idly makes the gesture to tuck some hair behind an ear, before chuckling.]

I think I will probably feel better if someone were to come and punch me a few times. That might get rid of it...

....

Mikas... Could you?... If it isn't too much to ask for?

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[Oh look, a friend and coworker (though Mikasa didn't really work at the orphanage) posted something. Mikasa didn't check everything that got posted, but she made a point of checking when she saw people she knew and-

Oh... Blinking at what she was sure was the mention of her name. Wait wat? ]

You... Want me [and unseen, Mikasa was pointing at herself. ] to punch you?

[It wasn't exactly a secret that she trained or looked for sparring partners. But this was the first time someone had asked for an ass kickin']

[Leanne's wings perked up when Mikasa responded. She... She honestly didn't expect an answer.]

Yes... At least once. I know it is a strange request but somehow, all I can think of was you to ask of it.

[There was a small drawn-out noise.]

If you're sure...

[She wasn't as strong here as back home.]

.... You don't have to if do not wish to.

It's fine, it's just... I'm pretty strong. [but there was a lot of people stronger than her here. She was very strong for a fae or human, but it was nothing compared to a dragon.]

Where did you want to do this?

I would not want you to hold back.

[She didn't anyone else who would even consider doing this for her.]

Not anywhere where the nestlings can see. I do not wish for you to get into trouble for doing this. Where do you think would be best?

Yeah- of course, not in front of them... [She'd not thought of visiting the orphanage to beat someone up. So the thought of being near enough for the kids to see hadn't occurred.

That still left the location to be decided though.]

...your house?

[Myr's not normally one to sit listening to the network, but he has been browsing the traffic lately, and--]

A cure for guilt depends on a few things, serah. Are the victims of your crime still around?

[His tone is gentle, and not judgmental.]

[This was a new voice and it kinda makes it sink in on how people could perceive her for it.]

Yes, thankfully it was only one and they do not blame me for it. But, I can't really forgive myself for what I have done to them.

[Mercifully, Myr is inclined to view anyone who admits to guilt for anything they've done as charitably as possible.

He's not even trying to speculate on what crime might have been committed at this point.]

Not at all uncommon, [he says, gently.] We wound a part of ourselves when we hurt others, willfully or not.

What did you do? And, what is it you've done for the victim to restore their losses?

Just get over it. Simple.

That is something much easier said then done. I have been trying to get over it for a couple of months now.

Months? Oh then you must have done something really horrible to merit feeling months worth of guilt.

I would think you could turn yourself in, if your crime really was just so horrible and awful.

To me it is but it has happened a couple months ago and I cannot still forgive myself for it.

Is this about the cider cake you botched so dreadfully?

[ the timeline checks out ok ]

[What? YOU ARE STILL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT CAKE?!?]

I am sorry my lord about that cake. I do not work there anymore so you don't have any fears about the cakes.

Yes, I'm so relieved for that.

Well, if you don't wish to share... [ he understands that much, anyway. ] From my own experiences, even several years later, some guilt can be ... difficult to shoulder, much less forget. But, it's as that platitude goes: time, supposedly, heals all wounds.

[ She can't help but chuckle, just slightly. A real one. ]

And what crime could you, of all people, committed that weighs so heavily on you, child?

[Oh no! She can feel that guilt come rushing back but yet... It was nice to hear a real chuckle.]

... Before I found a bond....

[A deep breath in and slowly letting it out.]

I... I went feral, and nearly killed someone... The one whom I become bonded to. All of her current injuries that she is healing from, those were all caused by me. I did it, I remember that I was truly trying to kill her when she approached me.

[ ... Ah. That was quite a bit more serious than she'd imagined. But she supposed she'd been a fool to not even consider the possibility, despite how sweet the girl was normally. What's more... she knew she likely would have turned her blade against her, had she witnessed the attack.

... Something she decided not to tell her, at least. ]

What good does carrying that guilt do you, when she can see into your heart so keenly, and see your regret?

[No, she probably wouldn't care if she knew the woman she looked up to a little would have drawn her blade against her. In fact, she would have preferred if the older woman was there and then maybe... Rikku wouldn't have been hurt.]

I know... But I can't get rid of it. She doesn't hold it against me. She doesn't blame me... But I can't seem to forgive myself. To make the guilt go away, even if I know that she can feel it.

[ It takes a moment for Eileen to respond. When she does, her tone is gentle, but her words... ]

Then carry your grief. Hold its weight with you, if you must. But know that she will always feel it, even when you try to hide it away.

Perhaps she will offer to carry some of it for you...

First of all, punishing yourself will get you nowhere. You'll just end up wallowing in it.

Secondly, rather than getting over it... you accept it. You live with it, and use it to teach you how to move forward. Use it to inspire you to do better.

[Girl...]

Don't get beaten up, please, Leanne.

That's easy. Commit a new crime, you'll forget all about the first one. Do enough and you'll stop feeling guilty altogether!

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