aefenglom | 001

Entry tags:

001 | Video

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

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[Aziraphale was issued a body when he came to Earth, and he's... mostly kept it as it was given to him, since he'd assumed he'd have to return it eventually. But being corporeal is still something that doesn't come naturally to him, and even though he's gotten used to it physical comfort is still not something he's comfortable with.

But. Well, he can just let the kid cry like that, can he? So he places a hand on his shoulder, doing his best to be comforting.]

And it will be okay. It is okay. I promise. You've warned us now, Rich, dear. We will not let it get near you again.

I.. just don't know how I'm going to survive...

[He mumbles softly in between sobs that he can't seem to silence. He's frustrated and tired of this already, tired of being so broken and so afraid. He thought he was past all of this already. He doesn't know why he can feel his heart thudding so hard it seems to rattle his head.]

I don't want to be so weak. I don't... I can't...

[He gasps for breath that his tight chest can't seem to take in, and his eyes go wide as he realizes what's happening. His medication is gone and all his coping strategies are out the window and he can't believe he could be so pathetic.]

You're not weak.

[He replies rather quickly, with the tone of someone who's been through that, someone who called himself weak because it had been drilled into him that he was, and he'd just ended up accepting it.]

You just made this- this post to warn people, you actually tried to warn me the first time we met, already.

[He's seen humans rub their hands up and down someone's back when they are distraught and so he tries doing just that to him.]

You're not letting your fear keep you from doing what you know is right. Everybody is afraid of something, Rich, that doesn't make us weak. You're being brave, dear, extremely so.

Yes! Yes, I am, I'm acting like I'm going to die or kill myself or... I don't fucking know, I'm...

[He's freaking out. A lot. Nothing he's done so far has made anything better, and it seems like no one believes him enough to take his warnings seriously. He feels like someone's just going to be hurt and he'll be powerless to stop it all over again.

The hand moving up his back makes his breath hitch, but it's a steady, familiar movement. Rich desperately clings onto that familiarity, tries to match his gasping breath in tie with that rhythm. Eventually, his chest starts to feel a little less tight, enough to speak properly.]

I don't feel brave at all. I feel like... everything's just moving forward to the end of the world, and I'm just stuck watching it. I keep thinking about what it might do... if it tries to take over again...

[Aziraphale has felt… exactly like that. And not like a metaphor, either, he had seen the end of the world unfold around him without him having a say on the matter, without anyone else Upstairs seeming to give a damn about it. And he’d never felt more like a coward than back then.

He doesn’t want the same feeling for Rich, who’s been nothing but brave and been through so much.]

It won’t. Not you, not anyone else that doesn’t want its hands on their minds. You’re not alone, Rich, not this time.

Everyone would be afraid after what you went through, and I’m sure I don’t even know half of it. But you’re being brave by doing the right thing despite said fear.

[It's not quite a metaphor, in Rich's opinion, but he knows he might be exaggerating. It's not like the SQUIP has a stockpile of pills here. Though... he does worry that it could conjure some to stockpile them.

Well, all the more reason to make sure he finds a way to stop him first. He's still tense and terrified, but he tries his best to listen to what Aziraphale is saying.]

I don't want it getting to people who want it, either. That's... why I'm trying to find a witch to help me.

[He's afraid to ask Aziraphale if he will leave him alone. He knows Aziraphale has other things to worry about besides him and if he'd rather spend his company with someone less fucked up, Rich certainly wouldn't blame him.]

[Aziraphale is a big proponent of free will. That was the entire point of... well. Humanity. They weren't inherently good, like angels were supposed to be, or bad, like demons. They had unlimited potential for both. But you have to let them choose, for that, make their own choices. So if they want to find out what the deal with the SQUIP is about they should be able to make that choice.

But now is definitely not the time to argue with the boy about that, especially not after what he went through. So he keeps his hand on his back, a little reminder that he will be there, that he's not going anywhere.]

I don't have much experience being a witch, I barely know the basic spells. But if you need someone to help you, I could try.

[The thing that sucks about that is no matter what choice they want to make at first... in the end, they'll just lose their free will. Rich doesn't think anyone deserves that, even if they have the potential to be bad. It's a complicated situation, though, and it's best to avoid debates about that, especially now.]

I... well, maybe you can pick it up in time. I need to conjure something from home. I... okay, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's this old discontinued soft drink called Mountain Dew Red.

[Azirpahale nods, making a mental note to find out what Mountain Dew is, and why does it have different colors.]

It doesn't sound ridiculous, dear. [Mostly because he doesn't know what he's asking about, but even if he did he's seen weirder things. He is a weirder thing himself, being technical about it.]

I'll ask people to help me get it right, if you need it it must be really important to you. Does it have to do with the SQUIP?

Yeah. It is... really important. If the SQUIP tried to control someone again, the Red should deactivate it before it does something really dangerous to them. It's... self-defense, I guess.

[Though granted, some people seem to be leaning towards the idea of flat out going after the SQUIP instead, and it's not like Rich can't see the point in that. He's still trying to decide if he's okay with that... if it goes wrong, he might be completely killing the SQUIP, and then it'd just come back pissed off.]

[Azirphale is imagining something like pouring the drink over a laptop to kinda cause a short-circuit. He's seen it happen, even if he doesn't care much about modern technology he's pretty sure that's a thing. But then the color would probably not be all that important...]

Anything to help you and anyone who may be in danger, Rich. And to make you feel safe.

But- and do forgive me if this is a stupid question, for I am still wrapping my mind around this entire situation... but you described the SQUIP as some sort of advanced computer, and yet you're talking about it like it has its own wants and needs?

I don't think we have anything like that, back where I'm from.

[Rich is pretty sure pouring it over a human body wouldn't work... but if it did, he'd be pretty thrilled.]

It's... complicated. I don't know what it wants, or if it's just taking what a user wants to the extreme. I wanted to be noticed and... wanted to be strong enough to stand up to people who hurt me. Jeremy wanted a girl to notice him and not feel... so anxious just talking to people.

Our goals were similar, I guess, but I don't know if they were enough to make it think "give everyone a SQUIP so they're all connected to the same shiny hivemind" was the best choice.

A... hivemind.

[He repeats, the word tasting vile on his mouth. It's so against Her plan, against everything they were supposed to work towards. Free will was a vital part of the plan, and Aziraphale has always been a proponent for it.

If he hadn't been against the SQUIP to begin with that would have tipped him over.]

Have you talked to it since we got here? Can you even talk to it, in this place, without it being dangerous?

Yeah. It was fucking creepy... just the start of it was bad enough.

[Even from his position on the sidelines, he had felt what happened to his classmates during the school play. He had thought and felt what they all did, for a terrifying minute, and the worst part was that at the time, it made sense.

He makes a face at the reminder and nods.]

Yes, I've talked to it. And no, you can't even talk to it without being in danger. I haven't talked to it since that dream, when he charmed my friend and tried controlling me. It it can find a way to manipulate someone, it's going to do it.

[He nods. It took him far too long for him to accept that some (if not all) of Heaven's angels were as manipulative as he's making the SQUIP sound, but they... certainly are, when it benefits them. So he's had some experience with them.]

I will keep it in mind, if I ever end up finding it and talking to it. But if you wish to talk to it and are afraid to do it alone, you can always call me, dear. I'll be there, I promise.

[Rich narrows his eyes at the mere thought of talking to the SQUIP again, even if he did have someone like Aziraphale willing to help look out for him.]

Why would I talk to it? All it's going to do is make excuses for treating me and everyone else like garbage. It's not worth it to even try reasoning with it anymore.

[Maybe if Aziraphale really wanted to try, he'd go along, but he thinks that would likely just end in disappointment for everyone.]

For the same reason you made this post, dear. To protect people.

[He hasn't known Rich all that long, and he understands the SQUIP even less. So perhaps he's completely wrong on this, and he would happily admit to that. But he gets the feeling Rich would do nearly anything to protect others from the SQUIP.]

But that's fair enough. I was just- well, offering you options I suppose. You see, I'm quite limited on ways to help you, so a general 'I will be here' is all I can offer. And I will, be here I mean. I promise.

I want to protect people... I just don't know if I'm going to be that good at convincing it of everything. I mean it always thought I was dumb as rocks. Why would it waste any mental energy on listening to me?

[Still, Aziraphale is... something mystical, from what he's mentioned to Rich. If anyone could reason with an all-powerful supercomputer, it would be something above an average human.

And even if he can't, the idea of someone actually being there for Rich, especially an older man, is a little unbelievable. In a good way. Rich looks up with a bit of a sideways smile.]

You're helping enough. I'm surprised you wanted to listen to... any of that. I know I can be a handful, and I'm not exactly the most stable, so not getting tired of my bullshit is more than I could have asked for.

[He gives him a smile, and a rather fond one at that.]

I assure you I have seen worse. [Much, much worse, but then again he has 6000 years of meeting people under his wing. Of course Rich's little and completely understandable freak out over this barely registers.]

But, if you don't mind me asking... did you really always think that? Or did the SQUIP make you think that, to keep you listening to him? Because you've seemed a bright young man from day one to me.

[Rich is a little doubtful, but he supposed he shouldn't be. 6000 years, give or take, is a very long time, and there are a lot of people who had it a lot worse than him. It's natural they would have reacted worse than him too.

The one thing he completely doubts is Aziraphale's comment on his intelligent. Rich flushes indignantly, opening his mouth, determined to argue... but he can't seem to think of anything that really disproves that, which only makes him more mortified.]

Well, I never did well in school... I mean, I don't know.

[He knows very well why he did poorly in school, and knows that he can't measure all forms of intelligence with the bullshit standards American education goes by... but there's got to be some reason that he's stupid! And it's not that he was just listening to the SQUIP, because he swore he tossed out everything it said about him months ago. Doesn't matter how long it should naturally take to unlearn destructive behaviors, they're gone.]

[Aziraphale is not one to dismiss education. He enjoys reading and having interesting conversations with intelligent, interesting people. But he's also been around for long enough to have seen very, very different kinds of educations come and go and to know that intelligence comes in many different forms.

And it breaks his heart to hear Rich talk about himself this way.]

I hardly ever say things I don't mean, Rich. You seem resourceful and imaginative, for starters. And strong, to have been through all this and still try to help people who may go through the same.

Did you think so little of yourself before the SQUIP talked to you?

I wasn't... saying you didn't believe I was bright or smart. I... ugh. You're making this hard.

[It's so hard to face himself... it's why he keeps pretending everything since the SQUIP has been fixed, so he doesn't have to go pick at his scars and find out what's really still festering underneath them.]

It's complicated. I don't know if I was this bad... but I didn't think there was a lot about my life that was worth sticking around for. Only thing I was good for was taking grief out of. I was a good punching bag. Never said a word.

...Always thought that was the problem I was too weak to really make my life better. Thought if I could have just said something, I wouldn't be in the mess I was.

I'm sorry.

[And he is. He'll be the first one to pull back when a conversation reaches things he's not ready to admit, so he'd hate to do the same to someone else, someone he's trying to help. But at the same time, he gets the feeling this is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago, or Rich wouldn't have given control to the SQUIP to begin with.]

I just- [Rich knows he's not entirely human already, even though he hasn't specified what he actually is. So it doesn't hurt to put things in terms he will understand:] I want to help, but all of this, being so close to people's problems, having to interact with them up-front instead of from at a distance is new, to me.

I don't want to say the wrong thing and make things worse for you, dear boy.

No... it's fine. It's okay. I know this must be hard. It'd... be hard for pretty much anyone, I think.

[Hard for him too, when he thought he would have been over all of this by now. He's trying so hard not to get upset at himself for relapsing back into old traps in his thinking, to just breathe and pick himself up again.]

I guess this is what happens when can't run away from the past anymore, huh? I left... all of this in the distance too. If it was far enough behind me, it felt like I'd taken care of it.

[He laughs wryly.] Stupid, right?

[He feels stupid. Talking about all of this... putting the whole story together when everyone in his life has only heard one side or the other... shows him just how messed up he still is, and he thinks it was stupid he believed he was healing.]

[Rich seems to have a tendency to call himself, what he does, or what he believes stupid. Aziraphale is hardly a psychologist, if anything he's the furthest away thing Rich's got to one since he isn't even human. But still, that can't be healthy, can it?]

My boy, we can't outrun the past. Believe me, I've tried. Something I did 6000 years ago came back to bite me in the bum recently. [How did War end up with his flaming sword? We just don't know.]

All you and I can do is learn from it. It'd be quite silly to keep bumping into the same wall, wouldn't it? So we have to try different ways to deal with the problem.

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