aefenglom | 001

Entry tags:

001 | Video

Name: Rich Goranski
Date: September 2
Format: Video

[The face that fills the screen is notable for a lot of reasons. For those who haven't met Rich, the harsh red scars covering his face, neck, and shoulders are certainly different. Scales are starting to pepper the skin like freckles, but it still doesn't do much to hide the damage. Nor does it distract from how emotional Rich looks. As much as he tries to keep his expression even, there's tension in his jaw, a slight furrow in his brow, and his eyes look slightly red.

He offers a weak smile and a wave to the camera, before taking a deep breath in and out. Apparently this is going to be difficult for him.]

Hey everyone. If you don't know me, I'm Rich Goranski. I got here last month, so... yeah. Anyways, I'm not here to break the ice or anything. I... need to tell everyone about some stuff, and I've been kind of meaning to do this for days and I just didn't know how. Anyways. I just wanted to warn you.

There's this guy you might have met. Looks like some handsome Japanese model, and he's got two different coloured eyes? I can send a picture if you don't know what I'm talking about. He's called the SQUIP. Or well, I don't know if that's what it calls itself here. It fucking introduced itself as Gregward to me, but... I think that's because we have a history. We're from the same place, and if what he did to me and my friends is any indication, he's probably going to really hurt someone here. He's already got his claws in some people and I just... don't want anyone else to go through that.

[He takes a moment to nibble on his lip and then look back at the camera, as if he's found some new source of bravery.]

Back home, the SQUIP -uh, Super Quantum Unit Intel... Processor- [He counts them off on his fingers as he attempts to remember the acronym.] It wasn't human. It was actually this pill sized supercomputer that you could take? It'd get up into your head and implant in your brain and then it was... basically supposed to help make you cooler. Or at least, that's what they said when I bought one. I got one back as a freshman and I... I mean, I guess it's kind of obvious that it fucked me up.

It doesn't really have any concerns about hurting people to get what it wants. It'd electrocute me if I didn't do or say the right thing. It put me on this really messed up work out plan and I built up way too much muscle way too quickly. I've got a bunch of stretch marks to prove it. And if you argued with it long enough, it wasn't afraid to just... take over your whole body. The last few months I had the thing, I wasn't even ever myself anymore... I just had to watch myself do all this shit that I'd never, ever want to do. Like selling them to other kids.

And it could get in your head. It would take away senses or give you weird hallucinations to make sure you didn't think about resisting. A friend of mine... Jeremy, he actually had his best friend erased from his vision so he couldn't even see him? I think he called it optic nerve blocking.

It finds other ways to manipulate you too. It's really charming at first, and it knows how to find and pick at every little insecurity you have. It'll use anything. Any memory, any good thought... I uh. When it wanted me to listen, it would take on the appearance of my mom. I hadn't seen her since I was little and I didn't want to lose that again. Even if she was saying things she'd never say... I couldn't make her hurt again.

[His voice cracks on the last few words, and he tries to cover it up by clearing his throat, taking a deep breath again.]

Anyways, its main goal wasn't actually to help us, if that wasn't obvious. It made me stock up on a bunch of the pills to try to slip them into everyone's drinks. It got Jeremy on board when I... uh, ducked out, to put it nicely.

It just wanted to spread to as many people as possible. It was trying to make this like, hivemind sort of thing. Called it a social network. Where no one had to hurt anymore. But it... it fucked with people until they don't know who they are anymore. Jeremy's SQUIP - I think that's the one that's here right now - it synced with me, and it made me go from being annoyed by Jeremy to just completely being his best friend. I couldn't think anything negative about him. And it did the same to a bunch of other people. It erased everything about them... practically made them zombies. I'm lucky there was someone who knew how to get rid of them. I... eventually tried burning mine out, but it didn't go as planned.

Anyways, the important thing is that the SQUIP is dangerous. There isn't a single person in my world who had a good experience with one, and even if it can't implant in people's brains now, it's still trying to hurt them. There's this guy he's hanging around with that he must have adopted as some new fucking project. And in that weird dream world, with that whole... monsters being slaves thing? It bought me. Me and one of my friends here, Connor. It tried to act like it wasn't going to do anything but it kept giving me orders and tried to get me to hide the truth from Connor. And then I don't know what it did to him... I think it must have cast some spell on him or something to make him agree more. It's a manipulative, abusive asshole. And I don't want it getting to anyone here... so that's why I had to tell everyone all this.

[He tries for a smile again, but it's too forced. He can feel a lump in his throat that signals to him he'd better end this fast.]

Anyways, that's about all I've gotta say. If you have any questions, let me know. I've got the receipts, I guess you'd call it. That's what they call 'em when you call someone out, right? Whatever. Thanks for listening. Hopefully next time I won't be such a fucking downer.

And uh, if there're any witches who're listening and know spells to like... conjure up something? Let me know. I might need a little favour.

[Rich gives a salute and ends the recording. His responses may be slow, but he just needs a minute to breathe normally again.]

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Yeah. It was fucking creepy... just the start of it was bad enough.

[Even from his position on the sidelines, he had felt what happened to his classmates during the school play. He had thought and felt what they all did, for a terrifying minute, and the worst part was that at the time, it made sense.

He makes a face at the reminder and nods.]

Yes, I've talked to it. And no, you can't even talk to it without being in danger. I haven't talked to it since that dream, when he charmed my friend and tried controlling me. It it can find a way to manipulate someone, it's going to do it.

[He nods. It took him far too long for him to accept that some (if not all) of Heaven's angels were as manipulative as he's making the SQUIP sound, but they... certainly are, when it benefits them. So he's had some experience with them.]

I will keep it in mind, if I ever end up finding it and talking to it. But if you wish to talk to it and are afraid to do it alone, you can always call me, dear. I'll be there, I promise.

[Rich narrows his eyes at the mere thought of talking to the SQUIP again, even if he did have someone like Aziraphale willing to help look out for him.]

Why would I talk to it? All it's going to do is make excuses for treating me and everyone else like garbage. It's not worth it to even try reasoning with it anymore.

[Maybe if Aziraphale really wanted to try, he'd go along, but he thinks that would likely just end in disappointment for everyone.]

For the same reason you made this post, dear. To protect people.

[He hasn't known Rich all that long, and he understands the SQUIP even less. So perhaps he's completely wrong on this, and he would happily admit to that. But he gets the feeling Rich would do nearly anything to protect others from the SQUIP.]

But that's fair enough. I was just- well, offering you options I suppose. You see, I'm quite limited on ways to help you, so a general 'I will be here' is all I can offer. And I will, be here I mean. I promise.

I want to protect people... I just don't know if I'm going to be that good at convincing it of everything. I mean it always thought I was dumb as rocks. Why would it waste any mental energy on listening to me?

[Still, Aziraphale is... something mystical, from what he's mentioned to Rich. If anyone could reason with an all-powerful supercomputer, it would be something above an average human.

And even if he can't, the idea of someone actually being there for Rich, especially an older man, is a little unbelievable. In a good way. Rich looks up with a bit of a sideways smile.]

You're helping enough. I'm surprised you wanted to listen to... any of that. I know I can be a handful, and I'm not exactly the most stable, so not getting tired of my bullshit is more than I could have asked for.

[He gives him a smile, and a rather fond one at that.]

I assure you I have seen worse. [Much, much worse, but then again he has 6000 years of meeting people under his wing. Of course Rich's little and completely understandable freak out over this barely registers.]

But, if you don't mind me asking... did you really always think that? Or did the SQUIP make you think that, to keep you listening to him? Because you've seemed a bright young man from day one to me.

[Rich is a little doubtful, but he supposed he shouldn't be. 6000 years, give or take, is a very long time, and there are a lot of people who had it a lot worse than him. It's natural they would have reacted worse than him too.

The one thing he completely doubts is Aziraphale's comment on his intelligent. Rich flushes indignantly, opening his mouth, determined to argue... but he can't seem to think of anything that really disproves that, which only makes him more mortified.]

Well, I never did well in school... I mean, I don't know.

[He knows very well why he did poorly in school, and knows that he can't measure all forms of intelligence with the bullshit standards American education goes by... but there's got to be some reason that he's stupid! And it's not that he was just listening to the SQUIP, because he swore he tossed out everything it said about him months ago. Doesn't matter how long it should naturally take to unlearn destructive behaviors, they're gone.]

[Aziraphale is not one to dismiss education. He enjoys reading and having interesting conversations with intelligent, interesting people. But he's also been around for long enough to have seen very, very different kinds of educations come and go and to know that intelligence comes in many different forms.

And it breaks his heart to hear Rich talk about himself this way.]

I hardly ever say things I don't mean, Rich. You seem resourceful and imaginative, for starters. And strong, to have been through all this and still try to help people who may go through the same.

Did you think so little of yourself before the SQUIP talked to you?

I wasn't... saying you didn't believe I was bright or smart. I... ugh. You're making this hard.

[It's so hard to face himself... it's why he keeps pretending everything since the SQUIP has been fixed, so he doesn't have to go pick at his scars and find out what's really still festering underneath them.]

It's complicated. I don't know if I was this bad... but I didn't think there was a lot about my life that was worth sticking around for. Only thing I was good for was taking grief out of. I was a good punching bag. Never said a word.

...Always thought that was the problem I was too weak to really make my life better. Thought if I could have just said something, I wouldn't be in the mess I was.

I'm sorry.

[And he is. He'll be the first one to pull back when a conversation reaches things he's not ready to admit, so he'd hate to do the same to someone else, someone he's trying to help. But at the same time, he gets the feeling this is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago, or Rich wouldn't have given control to the SQUIP to begin with.]

I just- [Rich knows he's not entirely human already, even though he hasn't specified what he actually is. So it doesn't hurt to put things in terms he will understand:] I want to help, but all of this, being so close to people's problems, having to interact with them up-front instead of from at a distance is new, to me.

I don't want to say the wrong thing and make things worse for you, dear boy.

No... it's fine. It's okay. I know this must be hard. It'd... be hard for pretty much anyone, I think.

[Hard for him too, when he thought he would have been over all of this by now. He's trying so hard not to get upset at himself for relapsing back into old traps in his thinking, to just breathe and pick himself up again.]

I guess this is what happens when can't run away from the past anymore, huh? I left... all of this in the distance too. If it was far enough behind me, it felt like I'd taken care of it.

[He laughs wryly.] Stupid, right?

[He feels stupid. Talking about all of this... putting the whole story together when everyone in his life has only heard one side or the other... shows him just how messed up he still is, and he thinks it was stupid he believed he was healing.]

[Rich seems to have a tendency to call himself, what he does, or what he believes stupid. Aziraphale is hardly a psychologist, if anything he's the furthest away thing Rich's got to one since he isn't even human. But still, that can't be healthy, can it?]

My boy, we can't outrun the past. Believe me, I've tried. Something I did 6000 years ago came back to bite me in the bum recently. [How did War end up with his flaming sword? We just don't know.]

All you and I can do is learn from it. It'd be quite silly to keep bumping into the same wall, wouldn't it? So we have to try different ways to deal with the problem.

I know that.

[He knows it should be obvious. No one can outrun the past, and he's seen others try and fail. He knows it should be obvious.]

I just keep thinking it... that I dealt with it. I keep saying I'm not running if I confronted and fixed it. But I guess if you can have things from thousands of years ago come back around, I shouldn't be surprised when shit from a couple years ago bugs me, huh?

[He shrugs cautiously, a little unsure with the implications.]

Do you... want me to try something else? You sound like you have an idea. You don't have to, though. I can think of something!

[Aziraphale blinks in surprise. When you're used to following orders for thousands of years, when you belong to Heaven, where people got casted out for asking questions you definitely not get asked you opinion all that often.]

Well.

[He hesitates, not wanting to give him any advice that would get him in trouble, any advice that would make things worse for him. But he does want to help him, so:]

My situation was different, my boy. But I still couldn't really be... free, until I actually faced things and got some closure. So I suppose my 'idea' would be to try to get that kind of closure, because it sounds to me like you never really got it.

[Rich frowns with confusion, fairly oblivious to whatever Aziraphale had gone through. He honestly wishes he was in a better place, where he could do more to help him instead. He doesn't know why the man is so hesitant about this, besides possibly just being uncomfortable with big displays of emotion...]

You never really talked about that. About being free and all that. But... I think I get what you're saying. The past can hold you back if you don't accept it. I mean... I got closure with my dad, when I went to pack my shit, but the SQUIP just kind of... disappeared.

...And now it's just right back again, making me feel as bad as I did before.

If I'm being honest, I just still haven't gotten used to it. To being free, I mean.

[And if Crowley is right, like Aziraphale suspect, he won't be free forever. Heaven and Hell will come back, and it will be even a bigger battle than what they were expecting. But he's decided that he's on the side of humanity, that they are on their own side, and he's absolutely not walking back from that.]

But don't you think that's part of the problem? That he just disappeared and you never got to face what he'd done to you?

It takes a lot of time to get used to it. I keep... expecting someone to tell me what to do, and sometimes it feels weird when it doesn't happen.

[He's glad to be free of it, but he also was a sucker for the security of someone making all the decisions for him. He can guess Aziraphale feels similar, even if he doesn't know details.]

...I guess so. I mean, I don't know how to face it. There weren't a lot of people I could tell back home. Unless I wanted to end up in the hospital for the rest of my life.

Plus it's not like it's ever going to understand it did something wrong.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's not... it's not about him understanding. It's about you getting things out of your chest.

[Who's has a dash of selfishness that he has no reason to hide anymore? This angel. He cares about Rich, not about the SQUIP, so as long as Rich gets his closure he doesn't much care about what it understands or doesn't understand.]

What could you tell it, if you had the chance?

I... guess so. Maybe it would feel better, just to have it out in the open.

[There were a lot of things he hadn't had the guts to say before, while he was stuck under the SQUIP's influence, and maybe that's why he still keeps telling himself he's not strong enough, when he knows that was what got him into this mess.

He stares at the table as he goes over everything in his head, tries to think of what he'd really want to say.]

I would tell it... that I'm better without it, not worse. That it's better for fewer people to like me for who I am, rather than most people to like me for someone I'm never going to be. I'd tell it I'm stronger than it thought I was. That the things it did to try to make me stronger could have broken me if they had half the chance.

I'd tell it humans don't just have switches you can flip on and off, and it's not right to treat them like some set of data rather than something with feelings.

[He thinks a while longer, and then laughs lightly.]

I'd tell it masking how I felt about some of the guys at school wouldn't make me any less bi, I guess.

[Aziraphale swallows as Rich keeps on going. Some of those things he'd already said, or implied, in the post that got the angel's attention to begin with. But that last part makes him raise his eyebrows in surprise.

Aziraphale didn't use to have any sex unless he actually tried, gender has always been a little iffy for angels and the less they talk about their sexuality the better. So if Rich had only mentioned being 'bi', it'd probably have gone over his head. But the rest of what he says is quite enough for Aziraphale to put some missing pieces of this very unpleasant puzzle together.]

It made you- sorry, perhaps I'm misunderstanding. But are you implying he made you pretend not to have feelings for... guys?

[Rich is surprised that he could say anything at this point that would take Aziraphale off guard, after so long bitching about his feelings, but apparently he has. He furrows his brow at first, confused, before he realizes what Aziraphale is getting at and nods, suddenly unsure for a different reason.]

Uh, yeah... More like it blocked any time I even tried to think about it. Like, "Hey, that guy's cute" or whatever, it'd try to change that on me. Make me think I just admired them for being strong like I couldn't. And I mean, if it couldn't get me to stop thinking like that, it'd shock me or something.

[Rich used to think it was kind of funny, how panicked it'd get over the mere concept of Rich being into a dude, but even as he's talking now, he realizes that maybe it wasn't so funny, and maybe it was a little disturbing under the surface.]

Why would it do that?

[It's not that this is the law straw, since they crossed that line a long time ago when it comes to things the SQUIP did to this poor young man. But it feels like the last, horrible piece in this horrible puzzle.]

And more importantly- [He reaches to place a hand on Rich's shoulder.] Do you still do that, to yourself? Do you still stop yourself from feeling those feelings? Because I assure you, Richard, there is nothing more powerful and closer to Her than love.

Hell if I know. Doesn't fit with the tough guy image to be queer in any way, I guess. I mean... high schools are the thirteenth circle of hell already, but they're worse if people think you're gay. I guess I kind of understand why it would...

[Ew, understanding why the SQUIP did anything. Nope. Rich backs out of that thought immediately, easily switching gears onto the other topic at hand, with only a minor flinch at his full name.]

No! No, I don't... I don't stop myself anymore. I came out as soon as I had a chance to. I'm not... going to be afraid of feeling that way.

[He lets out a faint snort.]

Fuck, before I got here, I asked... someone really important to me to prom. He's probably going to think I stood him up now, but it's gotta count for something, right?

Oh!

[That last part makes him clap his hands together in delight. Proms aren't big in England, and it's not like Aziraphale is usually around teenagers anyway to know much about them, but any spectacle to celebrate love has his approval.]

Of course it counts, my dear. And for all we know, time could have stopped right there. But do tell me more about this person!

[Oh god, this is mortifying. Rich immediately feels like there are more eyes on him than just Aziraphale's, and he appropriately turns a few shades of red.

Honestly, he's not even going to touch the idea of time stopping, it's too sci fi and possibly morbid to think about.]

I mean, i-it's not a big deal... his name is Michael, though. He's kind of a nerd, but in a really cool way? Like he's so genuine you aren't even bothered by it.

[Thankfully, once Rich gets started talking about something he's into (i.e. Michael, it's hard to shut him up.]

He's kind of shy, but he's been a really good friend to me, even though I know I shouldn't have even gotten another chance with him, and I mean, he kind of saved my life when the SQUIP was trying to take over last time. And he's super smart, you can always tell when he's thinking hard because he starts chewing on his hoodie strings...

[Oh no. He's rambling.]

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