aefenglom | text; un: berserker

Being with my other Bonded helps, but the pain stays...

[ Ah. Now that's what he needs. Berserker takes the bottle, quick to open it with a claw, and drinks directly from it. It's good, probably not meant to be drunk like this, but that's what happen when you have feelings you don't know how to deal with.

Another drink and he sets the bottle down, nudging it back towards Enkidu. ]

...No. I wouldn't feel the same way. I'd feel a sense of loss now, of course, but it's not the same.

So if I would bond to a stranger and that stranger would disappear and the bond will be broken, I'd still feel sad. Even if, perhaps, that stranger hasn't been a friend.

[They murmur the words softly, as if they are talking to themselves.]

Do you think that is fair? [Enkidu has no interest in the wine.]

[ Offer declined, he takes another drink of the wine. Berserker at least makes a token effort to pick at his sandwich; he doesn't particularly feel like eating, unsurprisingly. ]

I don't know. Life itself isn't fair... [ His existence is kind of proof of that, isn't it? ] If you were bonded to a stranger, it might not hurt as much. The two bonds I've lost have both been strong, to people I cared about.

[ That he cared about...Strange that he can say that now. ]

Why isn't life fair? Life is life. It is to be.

[Enkidu contemplates his words.]

If they weren't your bonded, would they still matter that much?

...No. I wouldn't feel the pain of their loss like I do now.

[ People came and went in his life all the time. It rarely bothered him, it was simply something that happened. He's never had attachments to most people due to his broken nature. Now, though, that he has some semblance of normal emotions and finds himself caring about others, that might be different. ]

I'd miss them...Maybe. But I wouldn't feel this kind of grief.

[Enkidu isn't used to grief. Of course, there's heaviness and emptiness. There's this feeling that numbs everything. Feelings are difficult to name and even more difficult to place.]

Then the grief is a fake emotion, not? Induced by breaking this magical connection. While missing Flat is sincere...the depth of your sadness is not.

[They lean forward a little.]

Can't your human brain separate that from what is real?

...No.

[ He stares down at his hands. If this is fake, what is he truly feeling? Is anything he's ever felt since being Bonded to anyone his own emotions or something false, only a result of the magic binding them together? The weight of this thought hits him hard and he sinks into his seat deeper. ]

If this is false, doesn't that make everything else I've felt the same? I had nothing but apathy and emptiness before I bonded with Diarmuid. Is everything I've felt since then my own emotions or nothing but something forced on me by the spell that ties us?

[ He looks up, unsure of what he's feeling now. Anger, abject sadness, an unpleasant mixture of negative emotions. ]

My growth is false, if the latter is the truth...

[Enkidu notices the change in his posture. He seems to sink in his chair even deeper and the second they hear his words they realize two things:

One: they've said something bad
Two: no, no, no this is not what they meant.

Or...no...that could not be it.]

Ah, Cu...

[They shake their head firmly.]

...I think I have uttered the wrong words... [Finally they rise from the table and walk around it.] ...allow me to explain myself... [And without any further ado they crouch down a little and reach out so they can wrap their arms around his neck, pulling him in some sort of a hug.] ...no matter what, no one can take away a human's will. I think bonding is a rather personal thing, you feel things that you normally do not feel. You become a part of another person's world, of their being. It is...wonderful...and cruel at the same time.

[They shake their head while they still hug him tightly. This is a difficult matter to describe especially because they see Cu as much more human than they are. They are not even able to name half of the feelings Gil gives them.]

There is a difference between losing your friend Flat and losing your beloved Diarmuid.

[ The thought of losing Diarmuid haunts him more often than he'd like to admit; it's a blow he's unsure he'd ever be able to recover from. With every lost bond, it feels like an inevitability he'll have to face. Now the thought plagues him, even as Enkidu explains. Berserker accepts their hug, though he doesn't return it, leaning into it instead. ]

...It still feels like a hole has been torn out of my chest. [ Finally, he puts his arms around Enkidu and draws them closer, almost desperately. ] Being so deeply intertwined with another's existence makes their absence that much more painful...

[ What they said makes sense to him and manages to break through his grief-addled brain. ]

I know on some level this sadness is because of the bond being broken...but most of it is my own. I've lost a bond once before and it was worse than this.

[ Geralt had disappeared when so many were kidnapped -- the ensuing captivity struck him even worse because of that. ]

[Enkidu just holds him, gently threading their fingers through their hair. They try to think about it, how it would feel when Gil would leave. Or Caren. And it is difficult to imagine such sadness.

Now they have always repressed all their memories about Gil, not speaking his name, not answering their master when they ask him about the one person they like. But now they do know they do not want to do that ever again.]

I understand that. [They do, now they're bonded there are a lot of things they've never really felt before.] I do feel for you...that you have to go through all this. It is not fair but perhaps, for you, it will eventually make you grow.

[Because they like that about him. On the outside he might seem uncaring, unmoving about anything, but when one takes a closer look, there's a strong soul in there, one who wants to push through.]

Do you want to speak about it? Or should I offer more comfort?

[ He only told a handful of people about his broken bond with Geralt, mostly those he knew that knew him. Caster was the first he told during their captivity; even thinking about it now sends him back to that place. Berserker stiffens as the memories come flooding back, his hands starting to shake. His voice is uncharacteristically quiet when he finally speaks again. ]

I don't know if you knew Geralt, but...the night we were kidnapped, our bond severed. That's why it was so hard for me to endure the torture. There was an emptiness I could do nothing about and to know he wouldn't be there when I came back...

[ At least he never saw what happened to Berserker in that place; that's the only comfort he could get from that time. ]

Flat disappearing...doesn't hurt as bad. You can understand why.

[Enkidu can feel how the other freezes against them and for that moment they frown a little. And when he finally speaks they try to paint a picture of such cruelty. Yes, that is quite cruel and they're not sure if speeches about souls and growth are in order.

Compassion might be better.]

I haven't known him but I think I understand how severe this must have been for you. I hope you will not endure it again. [A sigh.] Despite the fact that this place is cruel. I may hope that the pleasure I have given you has been able to soothe some of that pain.

[They don't think so since it was mostly desperate and born from the simple need to feel someone, to have some sort of connection.]

Hmm... Your bond might developed different. A different sort of friendship.

text; un: berserker

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