aefenglom | video; un: zewu-jun

Name: Lan Xichen
Date: forward-dated! 2/20
Format: video

[ Lan Xichen is resting on a rock beside what appears to be a calm lake. For those that frequent the Forge, they might recognize it as a nearby landmark one can pass on the route. He greets the network with a seated bow. ]

I apologize for the interruption, but I wonder if I might ask some questions to those who have time?

If you have a Bond, what prompted your decision to choose that person? I know Bonding is highly encouraged, but finding a suitable match might be complicated, and one cannot necessarily be trained in choosing a good partner. With only my own experience, I must assume not many other worlds have a custom like this. It's not the same as choosing to marry or finding a cultivation partner.

How do you know if you have made the right choice? Or, if you choose not to Bond at all, what are your feelings on such a connection?

I'm afraid I have based most of my judgments on the partnerships I know from my own life. Up until now, perhaps I have misunderstood the relationship that forms.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You are more than just your purpose to those around you, Xichen. It is a worthy wish, to protect those important to you, but none of us are so simple that that can encompass all we are.

And yes, I do believe people can change. The fact that you want to is half the battle fought, I think. Past mistakes... they can be painful, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look back on them with clearer eyes. It gives us a better understanding of ourselves and sometimes makes the path ahead of us clearer still.

I don't know what's happened between you and your Bonded. But if you close your eyes, focus on what you feel that Bond should be, what is it you want of it most? What connection do you crave that will ease your heart, Xichen? And what is it you want to be for your Bonded?

[He has to stop for a moment, blinking back at Yona's initial answer, because as the Lan Sect Leader, Xichen has always been held to the good he was for those around him. It was what he was born for, with his personal interests and desires meant to reflect those of his people. Being free and willful was a privilege for other people.

But perhaps if he had thought more on what he wanted in the first place, he could have avoided some tragedies. Or maybe not. As Yona said, it's impossible to completely know someone else's heart, even if they seem to agree with you. If they are holding back, no one has the power to see beyond that wall. He closes his eyes, trying to do what she suggests.]

I... thought I could be content supporting my friend, offering a better life than what he was granted before. But I don't wish for my Bond to end with that. Such a connection should be more.

[He opens his eyes again, looking troubled.]

I don't want this to be convenience.

[ She gives him time to think it over, watching him as he mulls her words over. When his eyes open again, her head tips slightly to the side, curious, as she studies his expression. ]

Is that what you feel it is? Merely a convenience? On your Bonded's end? Or yours?

[ Because no, she couldn't blame him for not wanting that. She wouldn't want that to be all it was, either. ]

I don't know.

[ He had hoped this time was different, but hope is unreliable. Unlike action, it shifts and flickers, leading to misunderstandings and mirages. Lan Xichen frowns slightly, the expression creasing his brow. ]

In the past, it was convenient for both of us. We both had something to gain through a friendship with each other. It did not have to be more than that, because we both had our own concerns and paths to follow.

I feel that when we Bonded here, it might have been an echo of that. A return to our past arrangement. It was not so bad before, but my path has changed. I no longer want convenience.

There's nothing wrong with that, you know.

[ Her voice is soft, thoughtful, as she listens to his explanation. ]

We are all of us shaped and changed by the very walking of the paths laid out before us. We can never guess where that road may lead... or what it leaves altered behind us. We can't always return to what was once familiar and comforting - no matter how much we wish to. Wanting something new, something different... it's alright to want that, Xichen, as things change - as you change.

Have you talked to your Bonded about what they want? Are their desires the same as they were before or have they evolved as well? And have you let them know you're desiring something more than convenience?

Or is it that they're not the one you desire something more with?

[ She tries to choose her words carefully, because she's not entirely sure what's at the heart of the problem here. Or if he'd even be willing to share such a thing. ]

[There's nothing wrong with wanting things? Yona's explanation sounds very reasonable to him, although he still doesn't quite know how to respond to it. People change and what they want also changes, but he can't quite pin down what it is he wants outside of the vague idea that this much leaves him discontent.

He sighs quietly, shaking his head.]

I have not spoken to him recently. There are some things we cannot agree on, and I thought it would be better not to bring them up.

I have not asked if that was something he desired.

[Lan Xichen's smile turns wry.]

It might be that I am afraid of his answer.

[ She can only return that smile, understanding in her expression. ]

I don't blame you. Not knowing if things will change because of that... it is scary.

But I suspect all the possibilities your mind has made up in wondering at that answer are probably much scarier than the actual truth of what it would be. Or maybe that's just my mind that would run away to try and account for everything...

But either way, avoiding asking because you're afraid of the answer means that things will never change. And I don't think you'd be any happier with that. Would you?

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