aefenglom | video; un: zewu-jun

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video; un: zewu-jun

Name: Lan Xichen
Date: forward-dated! 2/20
Format: video

[ Lan Xichen is resting on a rock beside what appears to be a calm lake. For those that frequent the Forge, they might recognize it as a nearby landmark one can pass on the route. He greets the network with a seated bow. ]

I apologize for the interruption, but I wonder if I might ask some questions to those who have time?

If you have a Bond, what prompted your decision to choose that person? I know Bonding is highly encouraged, but finding a suitable match might be complicated, and one cannot necessarily be trained in choosing a good partner. With only my own experience, I must assume not many other worlds have a custom like this. It's not the same as choosing to marry or finding a cultivation partner.

How do you know if you have made the right choice? Or, if you choose not to Bond at all, what are your feelings on such a connection?

I'm afraid I have based most of my judgments on the partnerships I know from my own life. Up until now, perhaps I have misunderstood the relationship that forms.

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[ Tsutha taps her chin, thinking about this. ]

Well, I had just gotten here, and so had Ferran. And he said on his watch that he needed a witch to Bond with, and I thought, well, I'm a witch...

Anyway, it just sort of worked out. And I know I made the right choice because Ferran is really nice and he's helping me learn to read and write and he's just a really great guy!

Edited 2021-02-14 17:56 (UTC)

I think you know the answer to that.

[ So very, very dry. But some people have made their opinions about Percy's bonding very clear and should reap the consequences. ]

[ This question is so similar to one she asked herself when searching for an answer that a small smile tugs at the corner of her lips as she moves to answer him, a hint of fondness flickering in her gaze. ]

I think... I think this answer is different for everyone.

And perhaps it might be more necessary to ask what you are seeking to find in a Bond.

I think some are only looking for a casual partner, a friend, someone they trust at their back. For others, it's a mere necessity to get by. And for some, it is far, far deeper than that.

So you agreed because you were both compatible? Even though you were strangers and it was such a great change...

[Is it as easy as that? It doesn't feel that easy.]

Do you consider yourselves friends now?

[Rude! He's just trying to encourage your feelings!]

Ah? But I don't wish to make assumptions. I think we all have different reasons for taking a Bond. I only wanted to know what people thought of them. Sometimes things do not turn out the way we initially expect them to.

Oh. Then, may I ask what you sought when you found a Bond?

It is a complicated matter. Sometimes I worry that I have mishandled my decisions.

[Was he trying too hard? Not enough? Did he not seek out the right thing when he agreed to Bond? There are so many questions.]

I was unsettled by the idea of such a close connection to someone else before. Now I wonder if I was too careless.

[ Yona takes a moment to consider her answer, clearly trying to choose her words carefully. But then she gives a soft sigh and fiddles with the settings on this connection until only he can hear her answer. There were some parts of her answer that she did not share easily. ]

At first, it was out of necessity, I'll admit. Even then... I was wary of who to trust with one.

Before I came here... well. I was betrayed deeply by someone I thought I knew - and loved dearly. It turns out that all the brightness he showed only hid a much darker and colder truth beneath it. My lack of judgement... No, I can't say even then it would have made things turn out differently because I suspect he had his motives that went far beyond just what I believed of him, but still. It was a deep cut and one that still weakens my confidence sometimes.

So coming here, learning about these Bonds, learning about the intimate nature of them... It was very frightening at first. Making such a connection like that, without knowing what you might find on the other end...? Yes, I understand what you mean by 'unsettled'.

But Xichen, letting fear stop us from reaching out isn't an answer either. We'll make mistakes - we are still human, after all, and none of us are infallible. But if you don't risk reaching out, you'll never find the brightness a Bond is meant to bring.

There may be some who can choose their Bonded partner out of only necessity or convenience. Keep them at a distance and connect no more than the link there to control their abilities. But I think it is a loss for them, knowing what I do of the connection I share with my Bonded now. I know I could not join a link so deep and keep myself separate and distanced from it.

...Which was probably a much more lengthy answer than you required, but it's why I stand by needing to understand what it is you need and seek from a Bond. If you can discover that, I think you'll find your own answer to your question.

Edited 2021-02-15 15:14 (UTC)

[It's a difficult question for someone that has always gladly accepted his existence belonged to someone else. A representation of his people that would be there to support and protect them, always needing to consider the concerns and desires of those he was living with. And even beyond his sect, being with his friends... in that case, it was another decision based on what they needed. A position of support that ultimately failed.]

I suppose it is true that I have not thought enough about that. I thought I could be happy with just protecting the ones I care about, but it isn't so simple even for me. I thought I could ensure the happiness of those around me, but I don't know if I ever understood what they really wanted.

And I do not wish to repeat the past. There are people I still care for, but recently I feel that Bonding has not become what I thought it would be.

I think... I may have been the one betraying others. Although I did not mean to. Do you believe someone like that can change?

You are more than just your purpose to those around you, Xichen. It is a worthy wish, to protect those important to you, but none of us are so simple that that can encompass all we are.

And yes, I do believe people can change. The fact that you want to is half the battle fought, I think. Past mistakes... they can be painful, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look back on them with clearer eyes. It gives us a better understanding of ourselves and sometimes makes the path ahead of us clearer still.

I don't know what's happened between you and your Bonded. But if you close your eyes, focus on what you feel that Bond should be, what is it you want of it most? What connection do you crave that will ease your heart, Xichen? And what is it you want to be for your Bonded?

My reasons were simple enough: health and safety.

What does finding a cultivation partner involve?

Edited 2021-02-15 16:00 (UTC)

I dunno if we really thought about whether we were compatible or not. I guess it's pretty lucky for us that we get along, huh?

[ Clearly showing that there was absolutely no critical thinking put into the decision. ]

Oh, yeah! Ferran's one of my best friends here. Like I said, he's a great guy.

Quite. But it was made quite clear to me that I would eventually get a bond with someone whether I liked it or not, so it might as well be someone I trust.

What prompted my decision... Simple. Because he thought we'd die, and I thought we'd live. A pessimist, versus an optimist... Classic. So we bet on it! And if I won, why, I'd make him Bond with me. Ahahaha...

[The room is a bit sparse, and Mettaton's voice bounces in it. There's the sound of shifting blankets, then the soft grunt of someone who must be asleep.]

I know you'll ask me next, why I chose him to Bond with me. Let's say that I merely followed my impeccable intuition! Don't you ever feel intuitively drawn to someone, darling?

[ It was an interesting question and luckily one that she didn't really need to think about since she was lucky to have come here knowing somebody already from her home world. She wonders if this isn't the case for him or if he knew someone from home...if they aren't trustworthy. ]

When I came here, I already knew somebody from back home that I had trusted and he explained the process further for me since he arrived much earlier to this world than I have. From what I know, it's less like an actual relationship with someone like you would have with a lover and more of a working relationship with a little bit on top.

That little bit being they can feel your emotions. That was something to get used to.

well
if you're gonna share headspace with someone
make sure it's someone that doesn't piss you off
or that you actually like and trust and shit
bc they're gonna get to feel all the bs you don't want anyone else to know
so
yknow
not some rando

Ah, I don't think you should feel forced to make such an important decision. After all, it is a very personal connection to make.

Didn't you decide to Bond for your own reasons? I trust your judgment, so I know you would only Bond if that was something you truly wanted to do.

You never considered if you were compatible?

[ He is openly shocked by that. How can you rush into a relationship without even considering if you match well with your partner? What about the weeks of planning and comparing resources and potential effects on their status and connections? He is mystified. ]

It is good that you became such close friends, but what would you have done if you were not compatible?

[He has to stop for a moment, blinking back at Yona's initial answer, because as the Lan Sect Leader, Xichen has always been held to the good he was for those around him. It was what he was born for, with his personal interests and desires meant to reflect those of his people. Being free and willful was a privilege for other people.

But perhaps if he had thought more on what he wanted in the first place, he could have avoided some tragedies. Or maybe not. As Yona said, it's impossible to completely know someone else's heart, even if they seem to agree with you. If they are holding back, no one has the power to see beyond that wall. He closes his eyes, trying to do what she suggests.]

I... thought I could be content supporting my friend, offering a better life than what he was granted before. But I don't wish for my Bond to end with that. Such a connection should be more.

[He opens his eyes again, looking troubled.]

I don't want this to be convenience.

Health and safety?

[It sounds almost like he was expecting something more in her answer... Hmmm...]

Well, I am sure health and safety must be a factor, but shouldn't a Bond be personal? You share so much with another person so it must be more than a business partnership.

[Come on, Vex! Be romantic!]

If you choose a cultivation partner, you are devoted to them as someone whose energy deeply aligns with your own. Together, the two of you develop your spiritual powers and create a deeper level of understanding, combining your strengths into one fluid method for growth.

[That is the most risky, off the wall play that Xichen has ever heard. It's daring, reckless, terrifying, and... honestly one of the most exciting things someone has told him about Bonding.]

Ah, you bet against him with Bonding as a stake?

[What a heart-racing story. That has to be romantic, right? Uh. Kind of? He's impressionable. Also there is definitely more excitement when Mettaton asks his question.]

You could be a fortune teller! Yes, that is what I was going to ask.

[Xichen, please.]

I- I don't know if I have such strong intuition, but I have been drawn to someone, yes. Is that really how you choose to Bond? What if they do not feel the same way in return?

[ His situation with those from home is certainly complicated. While he would like to trust his Bonded without question, that seems pretty much impossible now. He wants to give his friend another chance (again), and he wants to be fair, but they've both wounded each other before. And he looks a little disappointed when she describes the Bond as a working relationship. ]

But if you share your personal feelings with another like that, isn't it more personal? Being close enough to another person's true self to sense their emotions has important insights. We become vulnerable when we share that much...

[ Compared to his past situation where indulging in any emotion too much was just considered improper. ]

[ Someone that doesn't piss him off? Well, he would have said that in the past, but recently he and Jin Guangyao have definitely clashed. Both of them have gotten pretty upset.

And trust? That too seems to be a harder bar to reach too. Is he doing this Bonding thing wrong? ]

Ah, yes, I see... [ He does not see. ]

May I ask a question?

[Myr has no idea the odd narrative loop he's closing by responding to this, given his long-ago advice to Lan Xichen's Bondmate on how a Bond between opposites could work.

...Nor exactly how deeply this man's concerns are entangled with his own.]

Two of my Bonds started out of need, though I cared about both of them well before we got to the question of Bonding. The third [ah, his third Bonded, who'd nearly killed him mere days ago,] was a result of our long friendship finally becoming comfortable enough for a Bond.

I'd never say any of them were a wrong choice for me, but I also don't know I spent much time worrying that they were the "right" choices after I made them. They were a fact of my life the moment the ceremony was done and it was on me--on us--to build rightly from them.

We've hurt each other in the process, but we've also all grown as well.

[ She gives him time to think it over, watching him as he mulls her words over. When his eyes open again, her head tips slightly to the side, curious, as she studies his expression. ]

Is that what you feel it is? Merely a convenience? On your Bonded's end? Or yours?

[ Because no, she couldn't blame him for not wanting that. She wouldn't want that to be all it was, either. ]

[ Knowing and being presumably friends before the Bond makes sense. In a way, it would be enhancing the already existing relationships between them. But in a way, Lan Xichen almost feels like that is a trap. Didn't he make that kind of good-intentioned, reckless decision in the past? Creating a tighter relationship with his friends, turning their camaraderie into something public and official because he trusted that it would help strengthen the places where they needed some reinforcement? If they didn't always see eye-to-eye as friends, he had thought that at least they agreed enough to take a bigger step.

And that decision had only driven rifts further between them. Trying to be closer to those he trusted and cared for had ultimately been what helped tear them apart, and Bonding because of friendship now feels like it might be the same mistake all over again. Maybe this was the reason Nie Mingjue had refused him. Maybe he just knew better all along. ]

If it isn't the right choice, does that not make it the wrong choice? If, despite growing, you still manage to hurt someone and fail to truly understand them, then does that mean it was not helping them after all?

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