text; un: sasukeuchiha

[eyeforaneye]

Name: Sasuke Uchiha
Date: 07/09
Format: Text/Video

[ The video opens with a perfectly still, immaculately framed sepia shot of a storefront. The glass of the windows is smudged with dirt and dust that’s far less noticeable at the center but which appears borderline opaque around the outside edges, and with a flecked paint job on the wood siding it’s clear that this particular store isn’t wearing its age well.

Nevertheless the signage above the store appears newly updated, stark and clean in sharp contrast to the rest. ]

This is an advertisement for Daemonologie. [ There’s a pause as if even he doesn’t know how to quite handle the appearance of the business he somehow has to make appealing, at least managing to hold in a sigh. ] I’m fixing it.

Check the attached text in accordance with this video. [ Which is how the clip itself abruptly ends, though not before Sasuke turns the camera to the left and then to the right to make the shop’s location in the southwestern Shopping District more apparent to any who might be on the lookout. ]

The following is a statement prepared by my employer:

Daemonologie is an all-ages magical menagerie and emporium servicing both witches and monsters. Are you tired of sourcing your mystical beasts from the Wildes? Are you feeling overwhelmed trying to find the right breeder for your ideal familiar? Do you need the feather of an enchanted sparrow for your latest potion but don’t feel like buying the whole bird?

Then Daemonologie is the place for you. We not only provide quality companionship in the form of magical creatures aplenty but we also offer a variety of animal byproducts for any of your witching needs. Quills? Not a problem. Unfertilized and fertilized eggs? We have them. Scales both decorative and deadly? You know the answer! Stop on by today!

(Note: Vampires welcome! Ask about our animal blood specials (guaranteed to be high in magic)! Also don’t miss our weekly sale items: enchanted brushes for even the thickest fur, pewter cauldrons, and a humidifying enchantment to offer comfort and relief from a dry molt.)

As a bonus we’re offering a special promotion. Comment here if you would like to take a short quiz that will pair you with the familiar best suited to your personality type. You will then receive a 5% discount on the animal that you receive as your result. What a deal!

For the first question: what is your ideal vacation spot?

A. The city
B. The beach
C. Somewhere woodsy
D. The mountains
E. The desert

[ He did not expect for his second day on the job to require him to market his workplace to other Mirrorbound, but here he is. ]

Comments

text; @onni

[scowlish]

[Well, this sounds ridiculous. But a resource for things related to magic might be useful.]

I don't go on vacations. But the best option would be C.

[eyeforaneye]

The question wasn't "do you go on vacations". Save that detail, it'll just be a distraction.

Which best describes your perfect Friday night?

A. Hanging with my close friends.
B. Party time! The bigger the better!
C. A quiet night in alone, please.
D. Cruising around town, waiting for inspiration to strike.
E. Spending a romantic evening with my true love.

[scowlish]

[Oh. So it actually is ridiculous. Oh well.]

Alright. So I'm ignoring the parts that don't apply to me and just choosing whatever answer I like best.

C, again.

[eyeforaneye]

[ Secretly, he agrees. Or not-so-secretly. ]

You choose what's closest.

What is your favorite of your own physical features?

A. Eyes.
B. Mouth.
C. Hair/fur/scales.
D. My intellect, of course!
E. My sexy body. [wink]

[scowlish]

[Well, then Sasuke is obviously intelligent.]

A? This question is stupid.

[eyeforaneye]

There you go again, inserting unnecessary commentary. Both of us just want to get this over with.

What's your favorite color?

A. Red!
B. Blue.
C. Green.
D. Yellow.
E. Pearlescent turquoise.

[scowlish]

I think that commentary was necessary.

B.

[eyeforaneye]

Focus like a good customer would.

You're forced to Bond with a new monster. Oh no! Which do you pick?

A. The naga.
B. The lion-eagle chimera.
C. The arachne.
D. The vampire.
E. Can I pick witch?

[scowlish]

Yes yes.

[He is sure he's seen these monsters around, but he couldn't match the name to the type. None of these names are familiar. But he does at least recognize 'lion' and 'eagle,' so.]

B, I suppose, since there's no answer about not doing it at all.

[Not by force, anyway.]

[eyeforaneye]

I see now that you will continue to critique each and every question in spite of my repeatedly pointing out the error of your ways.

You get a promotion at work. What do you do?

A. Celebrate with your friends.
B. Buy your special someone a fancy gift.
C. Brag to your other coworkers.
D. Edit your ten-year career plan.
E. Ask your boss on a hot date.

[scowlish]

Ah. You finally realized.

D.

[Conspicuously missing critique. Was this on purpose, or was the question just satisfactory? Or maybe it's a joke?? Who knows.]

[eyeforaneye]

[ oh now you got nothing to say ]

Final question.

Which animal do you like best?

A. Bat.
B. Dog.
C. Locust.
D. Owl.
E. Manatee.

[scowlish]

What is a manatee. Whatever it is, it has a stupid name.

[eyeforaneye]

What are you?

[scowlish]

Finnish?

[eyeforaneye]

I don't have any idea what that means.

[scowlish]

I have no idea what manatee means.

It doesn't matter anyway. I pick D.

1/2

[eyeforaneye]

Then I suppose they cancel one another out.

Either way, your results have been calculated. Your destined familiar is

2/2

[eyeforaneye]

the colossal squid. Congratulations.

Unfortunately as we have none in stock your discount will only apply to other squid species.

[scowlish]

[...]

How are you scoring this? Who would want a squid as a familiar?

[eyeforaneye]

A squid is a mighty animal.

If a Finnish can't comprehend that then I'm not sure what more education I can give you.

[scowlish]

I don't doubt they are. But I don't even swim. I think your test is broken.

[eyeforaneye]

I see.

In that case, your real last question: Do you swim?

A. Yes.
B. No, but I can learn.
C. B.
D. A.
E. Still B.

[scowlish]

I didn't say I can't swim, I said I don't.

But I suppose it might be safe to do that here.

E, then.

[eyeforaneye]

Don't actually answer.

[ E. He seriously just–

E. ]

Fine, you can swim. A squid. You got a squid.