TEXT; UN: AJC | Get it all off your chest

[sparkofgoodness]

Name: Crowley (un: AJC)
Date: 12th Septeril
Format: text

I've seen a lot of people use this thing to ask for advice, so I thought: why not just make one big post for it? Agony Aunts, Uncles, or Relatives of your Preferred Gender Expression are pretty popular column writers where I'm from and I just so happen to have plenty of time on my hands now. I've also got plenty of world experience, so I'm pretty sure I qualify for the role.

[ Does he, though? Does he really? Maybe he just wants to read about everyone's problems.

Spoilers: He really does. ]

So: send me your questions, and I'll give you my best take on things. Even get in a second opinion, sometimes. Love life troubles? Friendships falling apart? Neighbours giving you trouble? Weird parental issues? Business rival need taking town? Criminal activities you need advice on? Whatever you like. Don't have to sign your name to it if you really want.

Comments

un: lanling.jin

[disasterstraight]

[ What. ]

If your aunt is in agony, why are you telling her about your love life troubles? She has problems enough of her own, without you further burdening her with yours.

[ Yeah... They don't have advice columns in ancient China. ]

[sparkofgoodness]

I can see where you're confused.

You're telling her about the agony. The love life troubles. Or, you know, weird rashes. Whatever you like. It's a pretty broad spectrum, really.

[disasterstraight]

I still do not see why you should trouble your aunt with such petty complaints. If you have a weird rash, see a doctor. Don't make things difficult for your family by saddling them with your problems.

[sparkofgoodness]

Very noble of you.

Which is exactly why Agony Aunts exist, don't have to trouble your real aunt! Just someone taking on the role. Familial elder role. Advice giver. That sort of thing.

[disasterstraight]

I see. So the aunt is not literally your aunt, just a metaphorical aunt, filling the role of a fortune teller or teacher. Listening to your questions and dispensing advice.

Now that I understand this much, yes, I do see the benefit of this sort of service.

[sparkofgoodness]

Exactly!

So, what's wrong with your love life then?

[disasterstraight]

[ Excuse you, sir or madam! ]

Nothing is wrong with my love life. My wife and I are bonded and are very happy. Do not be so presumptuous.

[sparkofgoodness]

Well, was the first thing you picked up on. Could have used anything else as an example. Figured there might be something on your mind.

[disasterstraight]

It was the first example you used. If anything, I was following your lead. But I won't ask you about your love life because I have a sense of propriety and don't ask such questions of people I've only just met.

[sparkofgoodness]

Suit yourself. Sort of the point of the situation, though. You ask someone you don't know, they tell you their opinion, never have to hear from them again if you don't like. Neutral third party.

[disasterstraight]

Are you perhaps proposing this exchange because there is advice you are seeking for your own life?

[sparkofgoodness]

[ How dare you, his love life is completely under control and nothing at all is going wrong! ]

Oh, no no no. Normally it's a one-sided exchange, you just write in and get an answer.

[disasterstraight]

[ If only Zixuan had ever heard of Shakespeare... Methinks the agony aunt doth protest too much. ]

I see. Well, just because I see the benefit such a service could provide does not mean I have need of it for my own love life.

[sparkofgoodness]

Suit yourself.

If you ever change your mind, though, my door is open. Virtually.

[ Not his actual door. Just, you know, this one. ]

[disasterstraight]

Have you been living in this world long? How qualified are you to answer the sort of queries that new monsters and witches may have?

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Perhaps not the least qualified person you could meet, but he's close! ]

Oh, a few months now.

[ Three. Barely. The amount he's confused and messed up this witch and monster lore in that amount of time is comical. ]

Suppose I could help them out, if that's the most popular topic. Does seem to come up a lot.

[disasterstraight]

I have also been here for "a few months," yet I would not presume to claim to be an expert in solving people's problems.

Is this something you were in the habit of doing in your own world?

[sparkofgoodness]

Oh, yeah, all the time. Always in the middle of something sort of disagreement.

[ Thought, perhaps, not necessarily solving the dispute. ]

[disasterstraight]

Do you enjoy this kind of meddling or do you just have poor luck to always end up in the middle?

[sparkofgoodness]

[ What are these accusations!

.... Well. ]

Not always had the best luck, admittedly.

[ It's definitely both. ]

[disasterstraight]

Why, then, should others heed your advice?

[sparkofgoodness]

Gotta make mistakes to learn from them, haven't you?

[disasterstraight]

You can't be suggesting that you would intentionally give people bad advice?

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Uuuh, well, he might but that isn't what he's going to admit! ]

You always this paranoid? Anyway, no, meant bad luck has taught me plenty. Makes me great at seeing what might go wrong.

[disasterstraight]

And what else can go wrong, in a city where half of us are given power we were never meant to have, and the rest are transformed against our very nature?

[ Or, in Jin Zixuan's case, very much fitting with his nature as a vain, arrogant prick. ]

[sparkofgoodness]

Quite a bit, honestly.

[disasterstraight]

[ ... Like it or not, this AJC character has a point. ]

Why then think of tempting fate by inviting more problems to occur?

[sparkofgoodness]

Listen, I'm out here offering to help solve problems! I'm doing my bit to balance it all out!

[ In a manner of speaking. ]

[disasterstraight]

Maybe you can start by solving the problem of people using these watch devices for inane chatter when they could be saved for something more useful.

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Buddy. ]

Don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. Can't be that bad if you keep replying.

[disasterstraight]

[ Ah. Called out.

Funny. You give an ancient Chinese warrior access to the internet and he develops a social media habit. Strange how that is. ]

I am in between tasks this afternoon. This is as good a way to fill the time as any.

un:ma

[stopfen]

What do people with chickens call them?

I named the first one pecker because it keeps pecking everything. But now I have more.

[The dumbest problem.]

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Hang on.

hang on. ]

You called your chicken 'Pecker'?

[ That's brilliant, but in a way Crowley suspects might be unintentional. ]

How many chickens are we talking about?

[ How many names do we need? ]

[stopfen]

Yeah. She's dumb. As soon you go near she peaks your feet.

There's four not including her. Three hens, one cockerel.

[She was sure Jean had more, but...]

[sparkofgoodness]

Well, birds of a feather and all.

[ Are we doing this? Yes we are. ]

You got a preference on the sort of names, or shall I just wing it?

ilu

[stopfen]

What kind of preference would someone have on a chicken's name?

Though I am tempted to name one dinner. It keeps bullying the others.

heh

[sparkofgoodness]

[ That one did, in fact, fly over this person's head. Worth a try though. ]

You know, I like that. Dinner. That's a good one. Make sure it knows its place. Can't be too careful with chickens. Always up to something.

[stopfen]

[He could not see the small nodding.]

That leaves three.
What do chickens plan? They seem

stupid.

One has gotten it's head stuck in the fence three times already.

[sparkofgoodness]

Could call that one nugget. Develop a theme.

[stopfen]

Nugget? Is that like tendies?

[She's from near-medieval times, what is the modern foodstuffs?]

un: rivers

[wordsinthesoul]

That's an admirable service you're providing.

Do you have any advice on grudges?

[…quite possibly he'll end up in some kind of trouble, but- might as well.]

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Finally, some good tea. ]

Sure. What's it over? The scale is important.

[wordsinthesoul]

[A good drink is important, after all.]

Well. In particular, one individual saw fit to hurt me personally. But that group has been causing trouble for our world several times over.

[sparkofgoodness]

[ HMMMM.

This is gonna be good, he can tell. ]

What kind of trouble we talking? Starting wars? Or just loitering with intent and littering?

[wordsinthesoul]

More of the first than the second, I fear. Including our current troubles with an empire- for the purpose of causing chaos, if you might believe it.

[He hesitates a moment, but- he did mention part of it was personal, so-]

And possession.