un: rosetta

[byanyother]

Name: Rosetta
Date: 08/07
Format: Video

[ Good afternoon, residents of Aefenglom! Today's broadcast comes from a woman with long, dark hair and an overly revealing dress. She tilts her head at the camera, brow slightly furrowed. ]

Now, am I doing this correctly...?

[ After confirming that the camera is in fact on, she starts her spiel. ]

After speaking with a lovely young friend of mine, it's come to my attention that he could use a little company to brighten up his days here. He's lamented about how lonely he feels here [ he hasn't ] and I thought I'd take it upon myself to - what's the term again? - wingwoman for him.

[ You don't spend weeks in a melting pot of different cultures and time periods without picking up a few phrases here and there. Even if they still don't make any sense to her, because she certainly doesn't have any wings. ]

He's a youthful nineteen in your mortal years, and an absolute sight on the battlefield—as well as a sight all tied up.

[ She means the 3DMG but hey, might as well fire up the imagination. With a little help -- there's a picture flickering onto the screen now, of a shirtless young man staring into a mirror. ]

He's chivalrous but open-minded, and enjoys his days off with gusto. His words can come out a little rough, but he's quite caring once you get past that prickly exterior. Unless, of course, you like things a little rough.

[ Said with a wink. Is this...still SFW... ]

If he sounds like someone you'd be interested in spending time with, please do let me know. You won't be disappointed. [ Ah, right, before she forgets— ] And of course, both boys and girls are welcome to apply!

[ It's equal opportunity in this house. ]

Comments

video! un: kirstein why is she like this

[trost]

[ It doesn't hit him exactly who she's talking about (there must be other loser 19-year olds who are good in the battlefield around), and he's really confused over why the sight of someone tied up would be appealing to anyone. It's only when he downloads the image ...

That his face goes pale. ] Rosetta?! What are you doing -- I didn't ask you to do this!

we can only look towards canon for all the reasons why she's like this

[byanyother]

[ Ah, if it isn't the man of the hour! Did he say something though? She's just going to ignore that bit. ]

Hello, Jean. I hope you found the description satisfactory. I truly tried my best to highlight all of your best attributes.

Un ma voice

[stopfen]

[Things Mikasa was not expecting to see on the network today:shirtless Jean.

Things she was currently seeing shirtless Jean. She's audibly confused, the words coming out slowly.]

... Jean is lonely? [Oh, that explained a Thing] ... Is that why he got those chicks to look after?

[She meant chicks, as in baby chickens. ]

[byanyother]

[ Perhaps Mikasa did in fact mean baby chicks, but Rosetta will pretend to only know one definition in this scenario. ]

Oh? Has he found himself delightful company already? So quick... [ Well, she's happy for him anyway. ] I wish he would have told me beforehand though.

[ All this work and all for naught. :'( ]

voice | un: levi

[dirtdevil]

Huh. I had no idea he was this desperate for attention. Not sure why he couldn't have just said something himself, though.

[ son i am disappoint. ]

[byanyother]

[ Rosetta sighs, giving a little flick of her wrist. ]

You know how growing boys are. Always afraid to admit to any sort of emotion. I do hope this will help him open up more.

[ But more importantly-- ]

Are you a good friend of his then?

un: jaeger

[usurpers]

You forgot something.

[ attached and posted to this post are now two photos of the same young bachelor, jean kirstein: one has him swinging around a dragon dildo with a questionable scream dawning his face, the other— there is a blur of another dildo from off screen shoved into his mouth. and he takes it. same energy. ]

i'm spitting

[byanyother]

[ Thank you for providing this immensely important PSA, it will not go unrewarded.

Don't mind her as she just. Saves those pictures for future use. Technology really is amazing. ]

Thank you for providing these.
I'll be certain to include them next time.

[ But also-- ]

I wasn't aware he'd already partaken of such exciting adventures here. Perhaps none of this was necessary after all.

[stopfen]

[............



......

...

... Emet... Why did you have to tell her what a dildo is. Now she is forever cursed. He's getting text though. Because she cannot. ]

Eren what is that?

[dirtdevil]

so this is how you idiots have been spending your free time here, huh?

[trost]

WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT?!

may as well not even be here

[silentsavant]

[ no no no NO bad video to watch after being fed the sight of the bachelor he turned down just a while ago shirtless and language tailored specifically to target one's libido!!!!!! HE'S So WEAK TO THAT KIND OF STUFF RIGHT NOW...

(is this karma???)

He never says anything, closes his stupid watch, and does battle with both his rotten imagination and his regrets for a little while. Thanks, assholes! ]

Video: un: princesscorrin

[betweenduskanddawn]

He seems nice? It's a shame he has trouble making friends.

[The sex stuff may have gone right over her dense little head.]

[She definitely looks a little puzzled.]

What's a wingwoman though?

[byanyother]

He is very nice. I'm sure he'd be delighted to meet you, if you're interested.

[ Probably for the best that all the other stuff whooshes right over. ]

Mm, it's someone who [ how is it described again ] does their very best to ensure that their friends don't end up alone for the rest of their lives.

Why do you ask? Are you hoping to wingwoman for someone?

[ Do tell. ]

[awryprincess]

Oh, it just sounds like he needs a little boost to his confidence, that's not too hard to give! Well, I'd like to know what he does for fun. Unless he's too shy to respond himself?

That seems to be an unfortunate affliction of human men before they're... well. Sometimes before they're forty.

[byanyother]

Oh, I'm sure he'll be here himself soon enough.

[ He better, otherwise all of this is going to waste. ]

But I certainly agree. We're all born with our own individual quirks, of course, but it does make things tiresome sometimes.

[ She affornts a mock sigh. ]

I dearly hope you haven't had to endure the company of too many like that. They can be cute, in small amounts.

video

[galdorleod]

[ oh no. poor Jean. Howl knows him well enough by now to be certain that this post will be extremely embarrassing. ]

Oh, the three of us know each other? Small world. Maybe we both ought to take him out one night and "wingpeople" for him!

[byanyother]

He rescued me from a rather unfortunate situation earlier last month, so I'm quite indebted to him.

[ hence....the tinder ad?? hm. ]

That sounds like a delightful idea! Surely we'll be twice as successful with twice the people.

text | un: reddeer

[rightfoot]

I think it's about time to create some sort of dating app for these devices.

So like, does he actually want you to make this post or nah?

[byanyother]

[ sounds like a lotta work, bro ]

If someone were to create such a thing, I'd happily use it.
And it's hard to say. So many people say one thing when they mean another.

[ like her, she does that shit all the time. ]

un: elliot

[fiddlestick]

[ .... 💧 ]

Wow. I know people try to find bonds over the network, but don't see many ads like this...

[byanyother]

[ don't judge her.... ]

Really? It seems like a rather straightforward way of meeting new friends.

[ """friends""" she says ]

video, un: siegfried

[schwarzen]

[ Why does it seem like Rosetta's done this before? ]

I wasn't aware that Jean was lonely and desired company. Maybe we should visit him more often.

Ah, but this is a romance ad, isn't it? [ For once, the gist doesn't go over his head. There's too much innuendo, and that picture... ]

Are you certain Jean would feel comfortable with a picture like that circulating around for everyone to see? [ And how did she get that? Hm. ]

[byanyother]

[ Hey......this is her first time (making a network tinder ad), be gentle, iyaaan~~~

Anyway. ]

Mmm, I'm surprised you picked up on it so quickly. [ She's proud of him, good job Siegfried. ] Would you like one as well? I'm sure I could come up with one for you with enough time.

[ Even though they boned already. Hm. Also she conveniently is choosing to not hear that last question. ]

text; un: ajc

[sparkofgoodness]

[ Now this he can get behind!

Not because he's interested in some nineteen year old kid, but because this is the sort of chaotic behaviour he loves to encourage. ]

Have you considered making posters? You know, to make sure you really maximise the reach of this. Little bit of arts and crafts goes a long way.

[byanyother]

[ thank god for team chaos, tbh ]

I hadn't, but that sounds like an excellent idea. Any suggestions for what to include on the posters?

video • un: machinequeen

[trulygifted]

( This ... is hilarious, okay? Nico can't help but feel for the poor guy in question, because damn if this isn't the kind of thing that stays with a person forever. )

Does your friend know you're doin' this for him?

wow yikes, i'm so sorry for how late this is

[byanyother]

[ RIP Jean, forever mortified on Aefenglom national TV....

Rosetta adopts a thoughtful look, chin resting lightly on one finger. ]

I did mention to him awhile back that I would do research on typical courtship rituals here in this place. I suppose I neglected to mention that there was the possibility I would use him as a test subject.

[ It's fine, it seems to have worked out. Maybe. ]

video, un: jaskier

[cointosser]

[TFW you accidentally flirt with a teanager, even if Jaskier has no idea of the concept. He's nineteen? Oh. Well, no matter; that's plenty old enough to own a farm or die in a war, so.]

And to think I had to put so much more effort in getting his shirt off. [Jaskier snorts.]

Isn't it always the most sour-looking men who are the loneliest? You're doing a rather fine job of selling him off despite it.

i'm so sorry for how late this is!

[byanyother]

[ Wow, you can't just say that and then not elaborate...!! She'll take the compliment though, thanks. ]

You flatter me. Though I did put quite a bit of thought into this whole thing, so I'm very pleased to see it left an impression on a few people at least.

[ Was it the right impression though....who knows. Anyway. ]

But tell me, what efforts did he subject you to?